Jail Time!

I've decided that if I end up failing at life, I'm going to shoot an old woman in the face and go to jail. She'll be dead soon anyway, so it's not like her death will matter. Plus, she's old and no one will love her. Then, while I'm in jail, I'll be taken care of and pretty set. I mean, the showers are kind of a down side, but all in all, it's a great idea, right? Maybe I'll do a little GTA and steal her car, then shoot her in the face, that way I'm sure to get a life sentence. Oh, and I gotta burn the flag and a cross while yelling death threats at the president. My whole life is planned out since starting right, like... now. 

I'll get free meals, a place to sleep, so I'll be pretty much taken care of. A little police brutality and judicial BS to get through, but hey, it's the end that counts.

In the end, after all, the end is the end, and it's the end that ends the end. End of story. 

Moral of the story: if life hands you lemons, murderkill a senior citizen.

ChaCha Sucks II: The Ultimate Suck

First off, a disclaimer: this is kind of really inappropriate.


So, it happened maybe a week ago, or something, but I was with my mates Brandon and Chad and I was saying how stupid ChaCha was, so Brandon, joking around, sent them a text that asked what the yellow stuff coming out of his penis was. After about ten or twenty minutes of waiting for them to reply, he finally got the text that said they were working on it (go figure, right? Who knew it took that long to figure out what urine is...)


When he finally got the answer, it went on about what a girl's orgasm looks like and how there wasn't a medical name for the fluid.


So, ChaCha hath spoken. The yellow stuff that comes out of a penis is vaginal discharge.


I can't conceive how stupid that person must've been. Honestly. I don't understand. Unless they were trolling, knowing that they were being trolled.


Then, just a couple days ago, I asked why they sucked. The answer:

I don't think it's possible for a company to give a blow job. If you mean figuratively, I think ChaCha is great! ChaCha again!

I couldn't quit laughing for a good five minutes.


Moral of the story: don't ever use ChaCha, it could shock your modesty.

Adverts Just Aren't What They Used to Be

Here's just a few adverts I've seen recently that, in some way, are completely stupid/hilarious. I mean, there's tons of them out there, so I'll post more later, but this is all I got for now.
Also, no pictures, which is disappointing, but I can't figure out how to take screenshots...


In an advert for Geek 2 Geek, some dating service for... geeks... the picture used was George Clooney. George Clooney, y'know, the famous actor, probably a millionaire, too. Not exactly the kinda guy you'd use to advertise a dating service for... geeks...


On YouTube, in the "Recommended for You" section, there was a video for Paula Abdul's "Opposites Attract." Thinking it was because of the Lady Gaga videos I don't watch in secret when no one's looking, I saw that it was instead suggested because I watched "A Frat Boy Reviews 'Avatar.'" Because the two have loads in common...


A Facebook advert was advertising IMVU, an avatar-oriented social network, with the headline "18 male and love YoVille?" Ah... most 18 year old males do not love YoVille (game app on social networks where you do pretty much nothing), and even if they do, I'm sure they have other things (I guess I should say "we") to do than avatar chat with fat pedos pretending to be girls on the internet. Porn's the number one other thing. Porn is number two. Guess what number three is?
(Modern Warfare 2)


That's all I got for now.


Moral of the story: stay in school! It's the number one way of not coming across as someone who has zero communication skills.

Ramen Watch: Day Three

Ah, welcome to the, um, final day of Ramen Watch. Y'see, it's starting to look like straight vomit and it's creeping me out (no easy task), so we're done. I'll dump it out, burn the cup, and deny all evidence that this horrible monstrosity ever occurred.


Thanks for tuning in, and keep your eyes peeled (literally, rip the skin off the top of your eyes--I'M NOT JOKING) for another event. Maybe... toenail watch. Where I don't cut my toenails for like, a year or something. That'll be cool.


Moral of the story: sometimes, it's best just to give up, especially if something involves nasty soup that looks like someone threw up. 

Let's Rhyme!

It's been said that nothing rhymes with the words "purple" and "orange" (among others) but that's a load of elephant crap. To further educate the public, I have compiled a list of words that rhyme with both purple and orange. Why do people say nothing rhymes with them? It's stupid.


Orange:
binge
cringe
fringe
hinge
minge
singe
tinge
twinge
impinge
infringe
syringe
unhinge
flange (depending on how you pronounce)


Purple:
bull
full
pull


http://www.rhymezone.com/?loc=bar said that none of these were perfect rhymes, and you have to agree. But for Heaven's sake, they're still rhymes.


Moral of the story: don't believe everything you're told. Except for that. And that. And that....

Ramen Watch: Day Two

Well, since I'm sure you've all been waiting on the edge of your seat/stool/mother's lap, it's time for day two of Ramen Watch!


Nothing has changed.


It's a little grosser looking, but the film is the same thickness and it's all basically the same. Which kinda makes me want to burn something.


Moral of the story: patience is important, usually for snipers, assassins, and job hunters, but also for sad people who have nothing better to do with their lives than to watch ramen soup dry.