Just now, I have returned victorious from the field of battle: a battle in the aeon-long war of men against the wild nature of insects.
In the bathroom, whilst brushing my dingy yellows, I saw a freakishly mutilated and ugly brown insect drop from nowhere onto the floor beside the toilet. I looked over and decided that it must've been a beast from Hell itself. So, I grabbed a newly clean hand towel and threw it on top of the beast, trying to keep as calm as possible, nonchalantly brushing my teeth to keep up a facade of bravery over my balls-to-the-wall terrified interior.
Spitting and rinsing, I then proceeded to stomp viciously all over the towel. I figured Mom wouldn't be too happy that it would get bug guts all over it, and that it would be disgusting as a public toilet that the janitor forget to clean for a month, but I knew that was the price to pay for victory.
Grabbing a wad of Kleenex with which to dispose the remnants, I carefully lifted the towel. Underneath was a small clump of dog fur, unperturbed by my wrathful cruelty.
So then I felt like an idiot. I put the towel in the dirty towel basket and threw away two clean Kleenex with a clump of Angel's hair in it.
In my defense, there is no reason why that much dog hair should be in the bathroom. Baby girl rarely goes in there. But regardless, I won that fight. Bug or not, I emerge victorious.
Suck it.
Moral of the story: don't kill dog hair.
Sunday, February 20, 2011
Friday, February 11, 2011
A Discourse on Opposite Days
Opposite Day has long been an overlooked and underappreciated holiday for many reasons.
For one, no one seems to know when Opposite Day truly is. Varying reports from various age groups (specifically those younger than twelve years old) suggest that Opposite Day could occur on any of the 365.25 days of the year. Some reports indicate that Opposite Day has been known to take place multiple times per year.This presents quite a problem, since no one truly knows when to celebrate it, or how often.
Second, Opposite Day is not a government sanctioned holiday, therefore it will go unrecognized and uncared for by the general public. Wikipedia suggests that Opposite Day is known to happen on February 6, but due to the varying nature of Opposite Days, the fact that the government hasn't approved of this, and the fact that Wikipedia lies, this is hardly a reliable statement.
Third, Opposite Day can give way to a great amount of paradoxes, confusion, deceit, and messes. If one declares that it is Opposite Day, that means that, since it is Opposite Day, the opposite of that statement is true, so it would not be Opposite Day. This would thereby make whoever said it a liar. If someone says it is not Opposite Day, then people would believe that and, even though it truly is Opposite Day, it would go unnoticed because it could, and most likely would, be taken literally as a straightforward statement of fact. Saying you love someone would mean you that you hate them, which makes you a jerk and a liar, but saying you hate them will offend them and cause them to hate you, which makes you a jerk and a liar. No matter what, on Opposite Day, everyone is made out to look like a bad guy. Or girl. Or simian with knowledge of ASL.
Fourth, why would February 6 be considered Opposite Day? Really, who thought of that? Out of all the days of the year, why would you pick the deathday of Emperor Ĺgimachi of Japan? That just doesn't make sense.
In conclusion, I believe that Opposite Day should just be outlawed. Too much work. Unless the government would be willing to sanction some day as an official Opposite Day, which would eliminate most of the confusion. Just not on February 6. I don't understand that.
For one, no one seems to know when Opposite Day truly is. Varying reports from various age groups (specifically those younger than twelve years old) suggest that Opposite Day could occur on any of the 365.25 days of the year. Some reports indicate that Opposite Day has been known to take place multiple times per year.This presents quite a problem, since no one truly knows when to celebrate it, or how often.
Second, Opposite Day is not a government sanctioned holiday, therefore it will go unrecognized and uncared for by the general public. Wikipedia suggests that Opposite Day is known to happen on February 6, but due to the varying nature of Opposite Days, the fact that the government hasn't approved of this, and the fact that Wikipedia lies, this is hardly a reliable statement.
Third, Opposite Day can give way to a great amount of paradoxes, confusion, deceit, and messes. If one declares that it is Opposite Day, that means that, since it is Opposite Day, the opposite of that statement is true, so it would not be Opposite Day. This would thereby make whoever said it a liar. If someone says it is not Opposite Day, then people would believe that and, even though it truly is Opposite Day, it would go unnoticed because it could, and most likely would, be taken literally as a straightforward statement of fact. Saying you love someone would mean you that you hate them, which makes you a jerk and a liar, but saying you hate them will offend them and cause them to hate you, which makes you a jerk and a liar. No matter what, on Opposite Day, everyone is made out to look like a bad guy. Or girl. Or simian with knowledge of ASL.
Fourth, why would February 6 be considered Opposite Day? Really, who thought of that? Out of all the days of the year, why would you pick the deathday of Emperor Ĺgimachi of Japan? That just doesn't make sense.
In conclusion, I believe that Opposite Day should just be outlawed. Too much work. Unless the government would be willing to sanction some day as an official Opposite Day, which would eliminate most of the confusion. Just not on February 6. I don't understand that.
Sunday, January 30, 2011
Hey, kids!
And by kids I mean you poor people who have nothing better to do. I'm sorry I've left you out in the cold for so long. I know I haven't updated this in forever, because I've had things to do (like writing 10,000 words, watching movies, watching TV, playing video games, sleeping, avoiding this blog) and neglected to update. Well, no more. Come in, please. Welcome back to my Asylum. You're insane, and in desperate need of my help. Well, I'm here for you.
First off, I would like to start by saying that I've been wearing the same pair of pants for a few weeks now. I've been washing them, of course (periodically maybe), it's just been the same pair, and the things at the bottom, I don't know what you call them, the hem? Bottom foldy things? Anyway, those. They're torn because I stepped on them. Mainly because I'm getting fat. I've not been doing the whole "moving" thing, and I drink too much Mt. Dew. However, in the interest of public safety, being able to fit into pants, and impressing all those cool people I don't care about, and maybe one I do care about, I'll be dropping pop/soda/soft drinks/cola/carbonated beverages and try to take a walk around campus before I shower at night. But dang... no more Mt. Dew... I'll be sleeping a lot more. Crap.
Second, I would like to tell you I have written 10,000 words of gloriousness that's really not that glorious and a little more than 10,000 words (40 more, to be exact) and you're probably never going to read it because I'm not going to post it on here. So why tell you? I don't know, that's why.
Thirdly, I learned, quite a while ago now, actually, that black-haired gal is transferring to another school and already getting her talk on with some other guy, so even if I would've talked to her, nothing would've happened. So I guess maybe my fear saved me! That's an awful lesson to be taught.
Lastly, I am working on a video. It'll be cool. Maybe. It won't. But. I'll post it on here when I'm done, which might take a while because I'm lazy. But I've got nothing else to do, so who knows? Maybe I'll have it up today!
Hahahahaha, ooohhaahoohaaaha.
Okay, but really, it'll be a while.
Fourthly, I've got another post planned. It's neat. Tumblr sucks because it doesn't autosave, and I was writing it there and it all got erased (can't remember how, but I lost everything). So I'll have to start from itch.
Scratch, whatever. That's a stupid phrase anyway, what's that even mean?
All right, get back to work, nothing more to see here.
Moral of the story: okay so there's this to see here, I lied. So don't lie, don't be like me, okay? Don't do it. Just don't.
First off, I would like to start by saying that I've been wearing the same pair of pants for a few weeks now. I've been washing them, of course (periodically maybe), it's just been the same pair, and the things at the bottom, I don't know what you call them, the hem? Bottom foldy things? Anyway, those. They're torn because I stepped on them. Mainly because I'm getting fat. I've not been doing the whole "moving" thing, and I drink too much Mt. Dew. However, in the interest of public safety, being able to fit into pants, and impressing all those cool people I don't care about, and maybe one I do care about, I'll be dropping pop/soda/soft drinks/cola/carbonated beverages and try to take a walk around campus before I shower at night. But dang... no more Mt. Dew... I'll be sleeping a lot more. Crap.
Second, I would like to tell you I have written 10,000 words of gloriousness that's really not that glorious and a little more than 10,000 words (40 more, to be exact) and you're probably never going to read it because I'm not going to post it on here. So why tell you? I don't know, that's why.
Thirdly, I learned, quite a while ago now, actually, that black-haired gal is transferring to another school and already getting her talk on with some other guy, so even if I would've talked to her, nothing would've happened. So I guess maybe my fear saved me! That's an awful lesson to be taught.
Lastly, I am working on a video. It'll be cool. Maybe. It won't. But. I'll post it on here when I'm done, which might take a while because I'm lazy. But I've got nothing else to do, so who knows? Maybe I'll have it up today!
Hahahahaha, ooohhaahoohaaaha.
Okay, but really, it'll be a while.
Fourthly, I've got another post planned. It's neat. Tumblr sucks because it doesn't autosave, and I was writing it there and it all got erased (can't remember how, but I lost everything). So I'll have to start from itch.
Scratch, whatever. That's a stupid phrase anyway, what's that even mean?
All right, get back to work, nothing more to see here.
Moral of the story: okay so there's this to see here, I lied. So don't lie, don't be like me, okay? Don't do it. Just don't.
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
Oh shoot! This would've been the best
I had this dream last night, or maybe during naptime today. But it was awesome. I was going to put it here, because it was a great idea.
But all I remember is a Fallout 3 styled combat knife and I was hiding it... I was walking through a building or campus, or both I can't remember. But I was hiding it in my left sleeve. It was difficult to get it through the elevator, but I went up some floors and stowed it somewhere. I looked pretty wicked in black, but that's really all I remember. It was a pretty sweet dream.
But now I can't remember. I remember thinking, in the dream, "This'll make a great post!" but even my dreaming self wouldn't remember.
Oh well. Maybe I'll have more stealthy and violent dreams tonight (read: tomorrow morning). But probably not.
Moral of the story: dream journals are actually really nifty. I need to start doing that again.
But all I remember is a Fallout 3 styled combat knife and I was hiding it... I was walking through a building or campus, or both I can't remember. But I was hiding it in my left sleeve. It was difficult to get it through the elevator, but I went up some floors and stowed it somewhere. I looked pretty wicked in black, but that's really all I remember. It was a pretty sweet dream.
But now I can't remember. I remember thinking, in the dream, "This'll make a great post!" but even my dreaming self wouldn't remember.
Oh well. Maybe I'll have more stealthy and violent dreams tonight (read: tomorrow morning). But probably not.
Moral of the story: dream journals are actually really nifty. I need to start doing that again.
Thursday, December 2, 2010
The faults of iPrism II
I know everyone and their mother has problems with internet filters, and all other kinds of filters, like coffee filters (which are gross) and lint filters in the dryer (also gross, but thankfully not all wet and soggy, unless you're doing it terribly wrong). This isn't necessarily a complaint against the filter, but its description for why it's blocking things. Which is actually kinda the same thing.
Okay.
Anyways, whilst surfing around and being blocked a lot, some of the blocked categories were just ridiculous. Here they are, for your ocular pleasure!
Art/culture
So not only is art being censored and banned, but so is culture in general. Which, technically, is like... the entire internet.
Corporate Marketing
I hate adverts as much as the next guy, but there's really no need to block a website for trying to get in the public eye. Might as well block, like... the entire internet then. Again.
Radio stations
Wait... what? How is that... just... what?
Health
Okay, so now iPrism is trying to kill us, great.
Professional services
Unless that's a euphemism, there's really no need to block that.
Games
Not nasty games, not pornographic or violent games. Just games. Stop playing them.
Specialized shopping
Also a euphemism...? Or maybe tall fat people just can't shop for pants that will actually fit.
Discussion forums
And we're not allowed to even talk? Sheesh. Pretty soon they'll just knock out all forms of digital media on the internet.
Digital media
Okay.
Okay.
Anyways, whilst surfing around and being blocked a lot, some of the blocked categories were just ridiculous. Here they are, for your ocular pleasure!
Art/culture
So not only is art being censored and banned, but so is culture in general. Which, technically, is like... the entire internet.
Corporate Marketing
I hate adverts as much as the next guy, but there's really no need to block a website for trying to get in the public eye. Might as well block, like... the entire internet then. Again.
Radio stations
Wait... what? How is that... just... what?
Health
Okay, so now iPrism is trying to kill us, great.
Professional services
Unless that's a euphemism, there's really no need to block that.
Games
Not nasty games, not pornographic or violent games. Just games. Stop playing them.
Specialized shopping
Also a euphemism...? Or maybe tall fat people just can't shop for pants that will actually fit.
Discussion forums
And we're not allowed to even talk? Sheesh. Pretty soon they'll just knock out all forms of digital media on the internet.
Digital media
Okay.
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
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