My phone is evil

I might've mentioned this before, but I really don't feel like doing anything, so I'm just going to say you have no idea. This is all new. All of it.

My phone hates me. It tries to ruin my social life with indecent inappropriateness. Now, I don't mean that it takes and sends naked pictures of me to all the fine ladies, because that would be doing them a favor. That would be very appropriate and decent.

The word function is just all wacked outta wack. So, here's a list and some examples as to why my phone is damning me to the life of a social outcast, pervert, and single lonely man who needs some luv.

First will be the intended word, then the word that my phone uses.

comes==boner

Now, I know neither are really appropriate, but at least one is ambiguous. Boner is always bad. Always.

Example: "I hope he boner over to my house! I can't wait until my best friend boner."

Apart from not making any grammatical sense, it makes it seem as if my best guy friend is coming over for some sweaty man love in the posterior. Not exactly the impression you want to leave on people you're texting (although I'd much rather be accused of sodomy than bad grammar, just sayin').


movies==mother


Imagine how many terrible and unintentional yo mama jokes could be pulled with this one. And it can sound just plain wrong.


Examples: "Hey, I'm gonna watch some mother, wanna join?"
                  "Bring some of your mother with you, doesn't matter what kind. Erotic mother, scary mother, action mother, romance mother, funny mother..."


Creepy. Who wants to sit down and watch your hot, hot mother? I bet you like your mother with lots of nudity. Someone's got an Oedipus complex going on. Pervert.

came==bamf

Not nearly as inappropriate, but imagine someone thinking that I'm using such awful language (a naughty donkey with a sexual attraction to its mother... gross?). Either that or Nightcrawler just teleported into my phone.

Actually, wouldn't that be awesome?

Example: "I just bamf home."

                  "What? You bad*** mother****ered home? What are you talking about?"

                  "Oh, sorry! Meant came. I just came. Home. Came home."

                  "I'm never talking to you again and I hope you die."

                  "Would it be cooler if I meant I teleported home?"

                  *Message blocked at destination, police notified.

Yeah, try explaining that one to someone. No, actually, don't.

part==saru

The one time I tried to spell "Saruman," the word "part" was destroyed and lost forever in the black oblivion that is the unused and misspelled and pushed aside words in my phone (until I hit the 0 key). Apparently my phone thinks that every time I talk about a portion of a whole, what I really mean is Christopher Lee with really long hair, magic, and ugly manservants that he grows in his backyard. An easy misunderstanding, of course.

Example: "I saw the movie, but I don't remember that saru."

                  "Is that Japanese? You know Japanese! That's so sexy, I want you."

Woah, that one might be okay... provided I'm talking to a she. Actually, scratch this off the list, this is awesome.

can.==2am.

I don't know how this happened, because "can" boner comes out as "can," but when there's a period at the end, it boner comes out as 2am. I have no explanation for this. Not even a stupid theory. WHAT HAPPENED?!

Examples: "I'd like to come over, but I don't know if I 2am."

                    "My grandpa just kicked the 2am."

Imagine my admirers in complete confusion as they don't know what I'm talking about. I don't even know what I'm talking about.


remember==73636237


I have no explanation for this. Maybe I typed in a bunch of random numbers my phone thought was a word. Either way, it won't go away and it's really weird.


plan==skan


Skan? W-what? Wait, what's a skan? I have no memory of every using that word. It does mean something, but I have never heard of any of that stuff before. Nor will I ever again after posting this. Maybe it happened when I tried to teach my phone to say "skank." Huh. Yeah, that's probably it.

OTHER WEIRD WORDS

jfku

I don't know what this one means, but it looks like John F. Kennedy is being used as an insult.

Example: "Go JFK yourself."

                  "wtjfk dude"

jjjklllllllomolomknol

This is not a word. It's not even on Google. What if I accidently used that? I would look like a fool.

y2k

Is this real? Is a decade-old myth really necessary to program into a phone? The answer is no, but apparently the fellows at Samsung thought it was.

Well, there are more, but I can't remember them. If I do, I'll make a part two.

Moral of the story: SkyNet becoming self-aware is closer than you might think. Sure, it starts out with a phone sending unintentional sex jokes, but pretty soon, BAM, terminated.