How Unfortunate: PART IV

All right, this was supposed to be done, like, a really long time ago (this was on page three of the list of my posts, as a draft, that, for some reason, I decided not to finish). The DC stopped serving fortune cookies, so this will likely be the last, which is sad, but kind of good because maybe... no.
Well, enjoy this final post of fortune cookies. Maybe you'll learn something. Maybe you'll lose faith in mankind. Maybe I just don't even care.






Be ready to receive the good things that come your way.
Yeah, because good things need preparation, not a pleasant surprise or anything.
"Hey, I got you roses, my love!"
"GET AWAY, I WASN'T READY FOR THIS!"


Great thoughts come from the heart.
No, great thoughts come from the head. You know those girls who go out with the same douchebag multiple times? That comes from the heart and it's a terrible idea. Plus, the only idea your heart gives you is: beat, beat, beat, beat, beat.
VIOLENCE.


It's harder to ask the right questions than to find answers to the wrong questions.
Wait, what? No it's not. Now you're just making stuff up. You can't do that, fortune cookies. You can't do that.


With care, things will never change.
Yeah, because freak accidents never happen! And, y'know, LIFE.


Visions of a happy romance are in your near future.
Okay, this was several months ago. Still single. Thanks. Thanks, you lying son of a


Beautiful things awaits you.
Close, but no cicada. Whoever edits or translates these things isn't doing their job. Maybe that's why all of these fortunes have been stupid! They're really brilliant, wise proverbs mistranslated to sound like a six-year-old blew a hemorrhoid on a strip of paper!


Moral of the story: this story has a moral.


Have a fortunate life, but only if you build me a statue for my prophiteering. That might be a pun, I don't know, but I'm pretty sure that's not actually a word.