Sunday, February 20, 2011

Man vs. Bug

Just now, I have returned victorious from the field of battle: a battle in the aeon-long war of men against the wild nature of insects.


In the bathroom, whilst brushing my dingy yellows, I saw a freakishly mutilated and ugly brown insect drop from nowhere onto the floor beside the toilet. I looked over and decided that it must've been a beast from Hell itself. So, I grabbed a newly clean hand towel and threw it on top of the beast, trying to keep as calm as possible, nonchalantly brushing my teeth to keep up a facade of bravery over my balls-to-the-wall terrified interior.


Spitting and rinsing, I then proceeded to stomp viciously all over the towel. I figured Mom wouldn't be too happy that it would get bug guts all over it, and that it would be disgusting as a public toilet that the janitor forget to clean for a month, but I knew that was the price to pay for victory.


Grabbing a wad of Kleenex with which to dispose the remnants, I carefully lifted the towel. Underneath was a small clump of dog fur, unperturbed by my wrathful cruelty.


So then I felt like an idiot. I put the towel in the dirty towel basket and threw away two clean Kleenex with a clump of Angel's hair in it.


In my defense, there is no reason why that much dog hair should be in the bathroom. Baby girl rarely goes in there. But regardless, I won that fight. Bug or not, I emerge victorious.


Suck it.


Moral of the story: don't kill dog hair.

Friday, February 11, 2011

A Discourse on Opposite Days

Opposite Day has long been an overlooked and underappreciated holiday for many reasons.


For one, no one seems to know when Opposite Day truly is. Varying reports from various age groups (specifically those younger than twelve years old) suggest that Opposite Day could occur on any of the 365.25 days of the year. Some reports indicate that Opposite Day has been known to take place multiple times per year.This presents quite a problem, since no one truly knows when to celebrate it, or how often.


Second, Opposite Day is not a government sanctioned holiday, therefore it will go unrecognized and uncared for by the general public. Wikipedia suggests that Opposite Day is known to happen on February 6, but due to the varying nature of Opposite Days, the fact that the government hasn't approved of this, and the fact that Wikipedia lies, this is hardly a reliable statement.


Third, Opposite Day can give way to a great amount of paradoxes, confusion, deceit, and messes. If one declares that it is Opposite Day, that means that, since it is Opposite Day, the opposite of that statement is true, so it would not be Opposite Day. This would thereby make whoever said it a liar. If someone says it is not Opposite Day, then people would believe that and, even though it truly is Opposite Day, it would go unnoticed because it could, and most likely would, be taken literally as a straightforward statement of fact. Saying you love someone would mean you that you hate them, which makes you a jerk and a liar, but saying you hate them will offend them and cause them to hate you, which makes you a jerk and a liar. No matter what, on Opposite Day, everyone is made out to look like a bad guy. Or girl. Or simian with knowledge of ASL.


Fourth, why would February 6 be considered Opposite Day? Really, who thought of that? Out of all the days of the year, why would you pick the deathday of Emperor Ōgimachi of Japan? That just doesn't make sense.




In conclusion, I believe that Opposite Day should just be outlawed. Too much work. Unless the government would be willing to sanction some day as an official Opposite Day, which would eliminate most of the confusion. Just not on February 6. I don't understand that.