How Unfortunate: PART IV

All right, this was supposed to be done, like, a really long time ago (this was on page three of the list of my posts, as a draft, that, for some reason, I decided not to finish). The DC stopped serving fortune cookies, so this will likely be the last, which is sad, but kind of good because maybe... no.
Well, enjoy this final post of fortune cookies. Maybe you'll learn something. Maybe you'll lose faith in mankind. Maybe I just don't even care.






Be ready to receive the good things that come your way.
Yeah, because good things need preparation, not a pleasant surprise or anything.
"Hey, I got you roses, my love!"
"GET AWAY, I WASN'T READY FOR THIS!"


Great thoughts come from the heart.
No, great thoughts come from the head. You know those girls who go out with the same douchebag multiple times? That comes from the heart and it's a terrible idea. Plus, the only idea your heart gives you is: beat, beat, beat, beat, beat.
VIOLENCE.


It's harder to ask the right questions than to find answers to the wrong questions.
Wait, what? No it's not. Now you're just making stuff up. You can't do that, fortune cookies. You can't do that.


With care, things will never change.
Yeah, because freak accidents never happen! And, y'know, LIFE.


Visions of a happy romance are in your near future.
Okay, this was several months ago. Still single. Thanks. Thanks, you lying son of a


Beautiful things awaits you.
Close, but no cicada. Whoever edits or translates these things isn't doing their job. Maybe that's why all of these fortunes have been stupid! They're really brilliant, wise proverbs mistranslated to sound like a six-year-old blew a hemorrhoid on a strip of paper!


Moral of the story: this story has a moral.


Have a fortunate life, but only if you build me a statue for my prophiteering. That might be a pun, I don't know, but I'm pretty sure that's not actually a word.

I love this.

There's something terribly wrong and wonderfully offensive about this "convenient" way to hang infants. Of course, it's just that the "C" is missing, but it's been missing for a while. Like, a couple years. And they haven't even penciled in a "C" or anything. Which leads to all sorts of conspiracy theories about how Macy's is evil and needs to stop televising parades with obnoxiously large balloons and terrible singers.

But anyway, just thought I'd share my favorite picture ever.

Spinach

Hate

That Outback commercial narrator sounds fakely Australian

Today I went shopping at Khols/Meijer with Mom and Brother. I got Pop-Tarts, crackers, bagels, and cream soda (everything needed to live). It was cool. Here are some strange things I saw.

First off, the greatest invention since the sliced wheel. Or the bread, I... whatever. But it's a window scraper mitten! It's a mitten with a scraper at the end so you can keep your hands toasty warm while you scrape all the ice and snow off your windows! Don't be an idiot and buy a scraper AND a pair of glove, buy this!

I wanted to buy two of them and pretend to be a lobster monster but Mom wouldn't let me.

Kids toys are just so, so wrong. First of all, it's next to the ladypart shavers, or whatever those do. But anyways, to the product, there's a frog and a duck that don't squeak, which sucks, and don't do anything, which also sucks. They're called "Flashy Friends." probably left off the "with benefits" for censoring. But you can bet they're not lifting their tops for plastic beads. These whores are the real deal. Just look at the subtitle, for crap's sake. "Make bathtime fun"? What the eff. Showing your boobs would probably make bathtime way better, but you don't need to tell kids that with their ducks and frogs. Sick, man. Sick.

Woah. Just... woah. "Tweezers Ideal for easily handling critters"?! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU? WHY DO YOU GIVE CHILDREN A MAGNIFYING GLASS AND TWEEZERS? You know they'll be burning anthills and smashing ladybugs, you sicko. You sicken me. You don't "easily [handle] critters" with a freakin' huge set of plastic tweezers. Gaw. That's... that's wrong, man. Real wrong.

1. Why did they give me a ticket to get bagged?

2. Why would they ask me how it was?

3. Why do they really want to know?

4. What is wrong with the world?

(side note, the order was 66, so up at the top was a capitalized "ORDER 66" and I chuckled)

Woah.

I was standing on my chair taking off my underpants and I lost balance. I almost fell but I caught ahold of the shelf thing on top of my desk. It would've been weird because my underpants were around my ankles and I could have seriously injured myself.


I just thought you all should know that because it was a very important part of my day.

Troglodyte Delight

Ecstasy.


Well, says you, what's a troglodyte?! Well let me tell you.


1. Caveman
2. Hermit/recluse.
3. The common chimp.
4. Dungeons and Dragons monster.
5. Also, birds.


What does one look like?

Silly bird, you're not in a cave! You don't know words.

AND

Woah, troglodytes are pretty good looking.

Yes, that's right. I'm a troglodyte. It's my delight! Wanna fight?


I have just been told by a guy on my floor who reads my blog without following it (talking to you, Richie) that I am a troglodyte. It was deeply insulting and my feelings are hurt (okay so maybe I laughed and thought it was hilarious then realized it was true but still thought it was pretty funny).


I rarely leave my room. Actually the only time I ever leave is to use the bathroom, shower, eat, and go to class.

My room is my cave. I sleep there. I snack there. I type this crap there.

I am Troglodyte, destroyer of worlds. Bow down ye mighty and despair. Two paths diverged in the bleak December.


What was I talking about?


Moral of the story: caves are pretty cool. You like Batman? Of course you do. He's cool. He lives in a cave. Ergo caves are cool. Logic.

Blade Runner is awesome.

Traipsing around the internet not pirating movies, I found this:

It's a screencap so I dunno how well it shows up... not too well. Not well at all. Click on it for a larger view. It says "Popular Clips" and all of them have zero views! Ha. That's not what popular means! Silly internet.

Okay well I thought it was funny.

Bartender