Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Cat

Oh well, nine lives! I wonder how that came about....

Addiction

I have an addiction. It's very serious. Withdrawals are awful. It's not an illicit substance or anything. Just my watch.


Yeah, I'm totally addicted to my watch. No jokes here, just a serious addiction.


In one class, there's an extra credit assignment about giving up a certain useful technology for five days and writing a paper on it. So, not wanting to give this internet up for fear of losing you all (by all I mean, like, two of you) and not being able to talk to people on Facebook, and not wanting to give up my phone in case someone needs me, I thought, hey, I'll ditch the watch! Mother always says I obsess over it, so I'll prove her wrong!


So, the day I was going to start, my phone dies, and the charger is doing this weirdo thing where it decides not to work and my phone doesn't even realize it's got a centimeter of hardware in it's crack. Chucked phone and watch into a drawer, walk out of the room, and


I


FREAK


OUT


I don't know what time it is! I'm paralyzed with fear that sends a chill to my heart and I last maybe six seconds before I run back for my watch and decide to give up the phone since it's conveniently dead.


I never realized until now how truly dependent I am on knowing the time of day. Don't want to be late, want to be early, just the comfort of knowing a few numbers on my wristwatch's face. Right now it says 3:48 but I know her like the back of my hand (Get it? Get it?) and she's always two minutes fast, so it's really 3:46. I like that. I know my day now. Not having a clock around to tell time with freaks me out.

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Life Expectancy

Lalalalalalala

I have nothing to say, nothing to write about. So instead of writing about how I have nothing to write about (because that's usually never funny), writing something wildly offensive in a desperate attempt to be funny, or writing about how I wish I could have a small rodent to put into a slingshot (because that... is actually... hm....)


I'm going to be writing about rodents and slingshots. I mean, wouldn't that be awesome? Take a rat, fling it around on its tail and smack it against something to dull its senses, then put it in a slingshot. Yank back and let 'er rip. Flying rodents. Like a bat, but without wings and bats aren't rodents. But they both squeak and shriek and that would be cool. Then they'd hit your little sister in the head and she'd scream and hit you and tell mommy.


Y'know, I always wanted a little sister. I thought that would be pretty cool. To have someone to stick up for and protect from douchebags, and sluts who want her to smoke and sleep with teachers to get better grades. But noooo, I got two mean older sisters and a younger brother who hates the world. Maybe I'll just castrate him and pretend I have a little sister.


Wasn't this about rats? Screw that, I'm going to bed.

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Earth Day is stupid

I'm glad that, once a year, we decide to help out the world, while sodomizing it the other 364 days.


Hey, great idea here... how about you plant trees more often? Why is there only one day a year devoted to being environmentally friendly?


According to WikiAnswers, 144,000 trees are cut down EVERY DAY. That's 52,560,000 trees cut down every year. I couldn't find how many are planted on Earth Day, but I'm almost positive it's not 52,560,000.


So why can't Earth Day be every day? Why just one day to say, "Gee, I should probably go out and stick a crappy little shrub in the ground and fool myself into thinking I'm saving the world!"


So here's to you, Earth Day:
Suck on that, Nature.

Moral of the story: be nice every day. Don't pick one day of the year to show someone, or the Earth, that you care.

Friday, April 16, 2010

Ha. I need help.

Although I knew it before, it's becoming increasingly apparent that I'm messed up beyond belief and repair. Most of my tabs are bizarre animals, like the blobfish (yes, that's really real), and freakish, obscure mental and genetic disorders, like the Möbius syndrome.


There's also this wicked cool thing called turritopsis nutricula, which is essentially the only immortal living thing on Earth. Aw yeah.


So all these strange subjects are messing with my head. Could be dangerous. Maybe I'll get chicks that way. Girls like psychologically disturbed and socially inept guys, right? Right?!


But then I'll show them Shenkui. That's brilliantly fascinating, isn't it?


The government is going to force me to live alone forever without the internet so this kind of stuff never happens. So don't worry.


Moral of the story: curiosity sent the cat to the psych ward, where said cat got a lobotomy and a Native American who likes Juicy Fruit throws a water fountain through the window and... wait, no that's a movie. Well, you get the idea.

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Facebook thinks I'm gay.

So, last night, I got a wall post from a female friend of mine that said she answered some semi-sexual questions like "Do you think Matthew would look good in a bathing suit?" etc. So I was like, eh, sure, I'll bite.


After adding the app, it asked for permission to post crap without telling me. I hate it when they asked, but I was intrigued by all the unlikely questions being asked, so I went ahead.


Turns out, the thing is a virus. It sent it to 8 of my friends, just like it apparently did with the girl who sent it to me. She never asked those questions.


Now, to explain the title, haha. The 8 friends it sent to were all guys. So 8 very confused men were under the impression that I was answering awkwardly sexual questions about them. All because Facebook sent it to men instead of women.


So I guess Facebook thinks I'm gay. I guess.

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Lessons

I wish more people realized this.

E Pluribus Nullus

"Out of many, none."

I figured it out!

I've been thinking a lot lately about a lot of things, and I finally figured something out. It sorta freaks me out, but at the same time, I knew it all along. Just the realization is shocking. But anyways, during my soul searching down the tubes of my brain, here's what I learned:


I'm a masochist!


LOL RIGHT?


No.
Serious, here.


I'm a masochist. Or, at least, an emotional one. I don't like burning, cutting, autoerotic asphyxiation, giving blood, walking in shoes without socks, headbutting walls, etc. etc. But at this moment, I'm upset and (get this) listening to Madonna.


Madonna?


Madonna?!


But I deliberately put myself into painful social and emotional situations, deny myself happiness and pleasure, and think incessantly about depressing things.
Why, just today, this annoyingly gorgeous girl gave a speech about tea (I don't like tea, but I find myself wanting to like it--weird, huh?) and I had the perfect opportunity to talk to her and congratulate and all that, but, being the charming fellow that I am, left the room immediately after seeing this opportunity, then waited an hour on a bench for someone who doesn't care about me.


I'm stupid. Furreal.


Maybe I should start headbutting walls. Would be far less painful.


Moral of the story: look at me. Do the opposite. You'll do great.

Monday, April 12, 2010

Haha! Holy crap, I'm on the internet! :D

I don't know what this is, but I'm on it! Oh man, this is so exciting. I'm elated! :D Enough to use emotes! :D :D LOL OMG AND ACRONYMS!

I'm happy. Just, y'know... in case... you were wondering........?

Well, that's it. I'm happy. Makes me wanna buy their shaving brushes. Maybe I will. I love them.

Moral of the story: perseverance! After a while, someone will notice something you did.

Sunday, April 11, 2010

Worst reporter ever

Yessir, that's me. Worst ever.


WHY, you ask?


Well. Allow me to tell you.


I can't interview!


No one ever seems to want to give me their time. An old professor guy ignored my e-mail about a follow-up interview (kinda had that one coming, or not coming if you will, though, I didn't do well the first time); a student said he'd meet with me Friday but never said when so of course we didn't meet; and another kid never answered my e-mail that had a short survey on it. Lucky I don't have like, a 750 word paper due tomorrow or anything. OH WAIT I TOTALLY DO.


Curse you, interviewees.


I think I might fail as a writer, if I can't even get people to talk to me.

Saturday, April 10, 2010

How unfortunate PART II

That's a Roman 2, just so you know. Not an Arabic eleven. Those have the little pointy things on the end. Like thus: 11.


Well, I've finally stuffed my fat mouth with enough fortune cookies for another round, so here goes...
(honestly, I wonder who gets paid to write these things)


You have the strength to be a leader not a follower.
Just the strength? Not the skill or eloquence or charm? All you need is strength, I guess.


You always foster hopes for success.
I'm a pessimist. I'm going to fail at life and it's your fault.


You will inherit a large sum of money.
Dad's out of a job... not gonna happen. Thanks for that painful reminder, though.


You are always welcome in any gathering.
Really? Because the last time I went streaking to the police department's New Year's party, they weren't very thrilled.


You have clearly loved every minute of your job.
I don't have a job, but if I did, I'm sure there would CLEARLY be at least a few minutes where I wished I had a fork to stick in the nearest electrical outlet.


You are doomed to be happy in wedlock.
If I'm doomed, it won't be happy, and if I'll be happy, it won't be doom. Plus, I got no lady.


Hands that touch this fortune shall stay young and strong.
Woah! Who knew that touching a piece of paper would make you immortal! No wait, not you, just the hands. So you'll be old and wrinkly with sexy hands. I guess masturbation would be more exciting as the years progress...


It's nice to work with friendly people. Be one.
What if they're incompetent? Not so nice then. And are you implying I'm not a friendly person? You whore!


Moral of the story: if you're reading this, you just read this.


See? I can make fortunes too. That'll be ten dollars.

Thursday, April 8, 2010

Epiphany

I just had a great idea.


The best ever.


Some day, I'm going to carve a big business' phone number on the bathroom wall.




"For a good time, call 1-800-7233-2886."


*phone rings*


"Hello, this is Safe Auto, how can we help you today?"


"So... what'cha wearin'?"


"Excuse me?"




It'll rock.


Moral of the story: great ideas do come while in the bathroom.

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

April Fools!

Haha! Fake blood! Nice one!

Ooooops.

So, 24 hours ago, I was thinking of a topic for a speech that was due later that day. Could think of nothing. Eventually decided to persuade people that cats are evil. After I finished the PowerPoint, I thought, "Man, this is really stupid. No one's gonna buy this, and I'll look like an idiot." So I deleted it without saving. Bad idea, because I had nothing else to go off of. Tried to think of another topic, but fell asleep. Woke up and was all like, "Sweet crap! I need to do this!" Fell asleep again, woke up, went to my first class, then it was time for lunch. Skipped lunch and worked on the speech. Thought I could go with the topic that if you don't know why you believe something, you shouldn't believe it. That's a decent topic, but I only spent like, a half hour on it. But hey, a crappy grade is better than no grade, right? Trick question, you lose.


So, time for speech class. Nervously wait for my turn, then realize I forgot my tape. Without the tape, the speech cannot be recorded, therefore I can't even give the speech. All that work for nuthin. Yay? No. Now I'm going to fail that class because my grade already tosses salad, and a zero on a speech is going to send it down the crapper.


THEN I had to write a feature story about why the student body election is a worthless waste of time, but neglected to send interviewing e-mails to the ones involved, so I have no research and have to make everything when I'm finished with this post, which I'm only posting as an excuse to not write that article. That's right, I'm only doing this to procrastinate. Don't you feel special? You shouldn't.


I just looked up and thought I said "I forgot my rape."


Today sucks. So do I.


Moral of the story: there are no breaks. Even on break, you need to be doing something. So like, don't be all lazy and stuff.


I still don't consider the endless hours on Fallout 3 a waste of time though.