Red Bull

I don't always punctuate the titles, which is weird.

It's midnight thirty and that's what's on my mind. Really not a lot else going on up there. Lots of thoughts I'd like to go away... very boring here, really. BUT I went to a bookstore a couple days ago and got a collection of Poe stories, so that's cool. And I haven't slept in two nights, so that's also cool. Well, I slept a little. An hour or two each night, maybe, and an hour nap yesterday. Weird, because I feel just fine, minus the excessive shaking of the hands. The jittery shaking, not being friendly.


Me:"HI! I'M MATT! LET'S BE FRIENDS!"
Random stranger: "Please stop touching my hand."


Moral of the story: sleep is a waste of time, but it is, unfortunately, a very necessary evil. Get some.


Sleep. Get some sleep, I mean.

Great idea.

It's always cool when you can take something crappy, spruce it up with something cool, and come up with something awesome. Insert vague racial joke HERE.


SO: my idea.


Cats are crappy. But you know what's cool? A mace.

All right, now let's be logical here... cat Jedi? Stupid. Cat defense spray? That's gross. Cat medieval weapon? YES.

See, it's perfect! Cat's got a tail for the mace handle already, so you're half there without freakin' doing anything. It's GREAT. Then, you just put some spikes on the cat, swing it around at your enemies... and hey, swing it around at your friends and family and gas station attendants, too!

But WAIT! Did I say put spikes ON the cat? Why don't you put them IN the cat? THAT way they won't come out as easily. 'Cause don't you hate it when you're in the "mood," the killing mood, and your Catmace's spikes are falling off? BUMMER!

And apart from being deadly, lethal, dangerous, and other synonyms, it's practical, easy to make, PRACTICAL, and scary as hell! People will think "HOLY FRICK THAT GUY IS SCREWED UP." No one will EVER mess with you. So it's great for your kids in school! Tired of that mean ol' bully?

CATMACE

I've got some pictures of what it'd look like... drawings, you know, but I can't show you or I'll get kicked off the internet and institutionalized.

Moral of the story:  ingenuity is just one crime against nature away! Get yours now!

Oh, and if you see any strays... I'll pay. Lots.

Hello.

Hi. I'm Matt. Some people call me "sexy." Those people are guys on the internet who can't see me and think I'm a girl. Screw them. They're stupid. And I don't mean "screw them" in a sexual sense. No one wants some nasty pathetic loser who hits on people through nothing but words on a screen. Oh baby your pixelized font is soooo fine.
Actually people do go for that sort of thing. Then the girl always complains about it. Your fault, lady. I'd laugh, but it's too sad, in both meanings of the word.
And this is why I keep to myself! It's great fun, really. The only bad part is when I actually come in contact with people and am even more awkward than usual. Think about what three months in solitude will do. Ha. I bet I'll make lots of new friends.


Do you want to be my friend?


Pleeeease?


Moral of the story: if you spend ten minutes thinking of what you learned, you probably didn't learn anything substantial.

Cats are bigots

A few days ago, I saw a cat outside in the neighbor's yard. I was happy because, I mean... it's a cat. And I hate cats. So there's a chance to say hello and maybe make a friend before I traumatize the crap out of the thing.


So, I grab my mom's shoes and head outside. They're slip-ons with elevated heels, so as you can tell, my balance wasn't the greatest. Not used to wearing girl shoes, you know. I slip, regain balance, and the cat darts under the porch. LIGHTNING FAST. That cat was super fast. Almost didn't see it.


Anyways, I went back inside, dismayed, then saw it resurfaced. Oh boy! Lucky day. I go back outside and it arches its back in the common cat I-hate-your-freakin-guts-so-get-lost-before-I-murder-you pose. Backing up slowly, I flee.


But why did this cat hate me? Is it my natural cat-hating vibes going off, and the clever creature knew I was an enemy? NO. It's because I was wearing my mom's shoes. Because I was cross-dressing. Because that cat is anti-cross-dressing, transvestite-hating BIGOT. Never mind that I'm wearing girl shoes, let alone my mother's. That cat hates people who are different. And I think that's wrong. And that cat should pay for it. But it's faster than me and it has claws so I'm not going to do anything about it.


Her shoes were easier to put on then mine! It's not my fault. It's not like I enjoy wearing lady clothes. Sheesh.


Moral of the story: if you're going to be a hater, learn how to run. That way people can't punish you for your unrighteousness.

Awesome.

I just took a poll on Facebook. It made me happy. The question was "How often do you shave?" and here were the results (at the time that I took it, so it might not be accurate, but who cares, right?).


55% 0-2x per week
24% 3-4x per week
21% Every day


Which means the majority of men (or women, I guess, but can we not get into that?) let their face hairs to long.


Thank you, men. The world needs this.


Moral of the story: not shaving is cool! Are you cool?

High Four

 

Funnier still, they don't have fingers at all.

I'm on the internet again!

Link here!

This one, I'm actually not too thrilled about. Or even proud. Not like this one. That one was cool.

Click it and laugh.

But hey, someone's noticing this crap, so there's a plus. Even though it looks like they just slapped every blog post that had the word "Madonna" in it. So this one'll be up there soon, I'm sure.

Moral of the story: perseverance, still. Never give up. Someone will love you, even if it's a robot.