Holidays are meaningless

Let's be honest, that's all today really is, a meaningless holiday. Isn't it stupidly amazing how now one give's half a rat's big toenail about holidays? I mean, we Americans care nothing about that, and have turned every important holiday into something food-related.


PROVE IT?!


Okay.


We'll start at the start of the year, and end at the end of the year.


New Year's Day- Bring in the start of the new year! How? By eating cabbage, black-eyed peas, and pork! Why? Good question!
Valentine's Day- Celebrate the love and romance associated with the horrific death of Christian martyrs! How? Candy, chocolate, and those chalky heart things.
Easter- Commemorate the resurrection of Jesus! How? By eating candy and eggs!
Memorial Day- Remember the soldiers who died in service of America. How? By cooking out, stuffing your face, and getting wasted! After all, it's what they would've wanted. It's what they died for.
Independence Day- Give tribute to the founding fathers who started this great country! How? Cooking out again! And blowing crap up.
Halloween- Celebrate death, horror, and ancient ancestor worship! HOW? Candy! Seriously, what is it with celebrating with candy? What good does that really do for anyone?
Thanksgiving- Give thanks for everything and everyone who has blessed your life! How? By shoving turkey down your throat!
Christmas- Remember the birth of Jesus and the origins of Christianity! How? Ham! Stuffing! Those awful fruitcakes!
New Year's Eve- Finish off the year with a bang! How? Booze! And a lot of parties have those nuts and gross square mint things.


As you can see, culture has tainted and crapped on holidays by filling in food where meaning should be. It's kinda hilarious and kinda pathetic. Actually, it's really hilarious and disgustingly pathetic.


But in the spirit of Memorial Day, a big thank you to American soldiers for fighting through hell and making it out (dead or alive), so we can sit here, not care, and gorge ourselves on lust and food! It's the best we can do to show how much we don't really care.


(sarcasm and cynicism aside, soldiers have my deepest respect and admiration for their sacrifice--thank you)


Moral of the story: eat, have fun, whatever, just remember what you're celebrating, and why you're able to do that stuff.

Well, it's true.

This is my idea for a T-shirt. I don't know how to make it real, though. Wouldn't that be great, though? Creepy, yeah, offensive, probably, but still cool, right?

Life Lessons with Mainerd--Fudge

Hey, there! I’m not dead, so it's time for another segment of

LIFE LESSONS,

WITH MAINERD

Now how about that? I’m still alive, I’m still learning, which, of course, means that YOU get to learn from ME! And what more do you want from life?

I mean, really. There’s nothing else as important as today’s topic, which is something very important that we all should learn about. Today is a lesson about fudge.

No, really. Fudge, man. Fudge.

Fudge is a delicious thing, but like all good things, enough of it will cause your arteries to explode. And blown-up arteries inside your body are bad, right? Right.

Fudge is probably one of the most delicious substances on the planet. Which is cool. But eating too much makes you sick and throw up. Which is not cool. I was at a graduation open house (another fun fact, stay away from those cakes, they usually taste like nothing but icing, which is gross) and there was fudge. I was in Heaven, because there were like, six different kinds and I wanted to stuff my face. But I knew I’d get sick. Surrounded by all the tantalizing fudge, I realized that I was in Hell.

I had a couple pieces and that was enough. But keep in mind, kids, in large enough doses, that which is awesome will kill you.

Moral of the story: I think this should be pretty obvious. I've only said it five times.

Where I lived

Since sharing is fun, I'll share what my desk looked like! Go sharing!

Lovely, no? This is after I rigorously cleaned it, too.

And there's all the stuff I cleaned off of it! Books and cracker boxes included.

Putting the two together, and there was nothing I could do with that desk even if I wanted to. And trust me, I didn't want o do anything. It was rather frightening. Man, there were papers from the beginning of the semester all up in that. Freaky, maaaaaaaaan.

Moral of the story: keep things clean as you go along so that that (^) doesn't happen. Called 'preventive maintenance,' and it's a good idea (in theory), it just sucks to actually do.

HAPPY SUMMER!

Yay! That's right. Summer. Like, no school summer. That summer.


Ya dig?


Soooo, as such, posts and updates will be LESS frequent. If that's a problem, it shouldn't be. But it is, because you all love me and will miss me. Dunno how things are going to work out from now on, but I'm not giving up on you. I love you, too, you know. And by Jove, as soon as I find a ring....

Fireside Chat

Oh, hello there. I didn't see you. Please come in. Help yourself to some beverages. Or some steak. Take a seat in a comfortable chair by a fireplace that's a little too close so you feel constantly uncomfortable, but not enough to say anything about it because you don't want to seem impolite after I just gave you steak and a nice beverage, so you just sit there sweating distractedly, trying to make small talk, but it just doesn't happen well because all you can think about is how hot it is by the fire.

Then I become amused by your misery and offer you a seat closer to the not-fire, and we're all set to talk, but since this isn't a real-time forum, it'll be me doing most (and by most I mean all) of the talking. So enjoy your beverage and steak and not-too-hot position in the nice chair and listen to what I have to say.

Is the steak good? Thank you, it is nice. It was on sale at Meijer, so I thought it most prudent to take advantage. And the beverage? Yes, a nice vintage. It's been sitting in my pantry for about three months after the expiration date. Oh, that's only for wine? Well shoot. It still tastes good, right? Indeed not, you say? Very well, then.

Now that the obligatory preliminary conversation is dispensed with, I'll begin my soliloquy.

It's the end of the year. I was going to share with you some reflections on the past year, but soon realized there's nothing to reflect on. Just another wasted year full of wasted relationships, wasted time, and, worst of all, wasted opportunities.

Oh, you say, but surely a man of your distinguished tastes in steak and expired beverages would never have problems with wasting opportunities. You must live quite well off.

Yeah, I would reply, well up yours too, buddy.

Let's see, how do I put this... I'm an idiot? Yeah, let's go with that. Fear is an irrational emotion that I've never really learned to live with. Partially because no one ever taught me or helped me through it. Partially because, as I said, I'm an idiot, and for some strange reason, I enjoy torturing myself with what I'm convinced is impossible even though I obsess constantly over it. It's like a slow, mental suicide. I know I can stop, I just don't know how, and for some reason, I just don't stop.

I kinda wish I would've had someone in my life to teach me things like this. Tell me how to deal with fear, life, and buying new groceries. How not to hide behind masks. How to fish, shave, deal with those female things you see on TV. Almost, like... a father? Sure, that would be nice.

Well, my dear guest, this is where I must draw to a close this conversation before I start off with things people aren't supposed to know about and before I start swearing.

I'm sure you can find the door yourself? It's the X at the top right of your screen (or the red dot at the top left if you're using a Mac). Or if you're using tabs, there's an X... ah, you see it? There you go, then. Oh, and don't mind the fourth wall, I can put that back up later.

And be sure to learn from my mistakes so you don't have to make them for yourself. Take care.