How unfortunate

I love fortune cookies. Everyone does. Or else. But some of the fortunes are just ridiculous. Here are some:


No difficulty can awe you once you make your decision.
Immortality should be a walk in the park, then!


An empty stomach is not a good political advisor.
So, I guess we should always have a meal before voting. I knew I should've voted McCain...


Recognize and deal with reality, no matter how unpleasant it may be.
Good advice, but doesn't that seem a little grim for a fortune cookie?


You will hear pleasant news.
Even for over-generalization, that's pretty vague. Ish.


Flowers, music, gift, and invitations are yours soon.
Apart from not having a comma after "gifts," I don't want flowers or gifts or invitations, and how does someone give you music?


You are going to have some new clothes.
I'm not explaining this.


You are domestically inclined and will be happily married.
If a girl read that, it could be offensive chauvinistically. I read it and felt gay.


A great pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot do!
...in bed...


You will either be happy over a proposition offered or a new job.
So now you can't even pick one vague statement? Seriously.


You will have a long and healthy life.
After all those fortune cookies I just ate? Ha. Haha.


Moral of the story: you're going to die.


Am I good or what?

Employees must ignore this sign:

(from http://www.speedysigns.com/)

So, a few days ago, I was at the DC (Dining Commons), and went into the bathroom and saw a DC worker at one of the urinals. I took the one two away from him (that's actually a rule, y'know) and began. He finished and walked out, and a few seconds later, I was done too, and washed my hands and left. The end.

BUT WAIT

BECAUSE

SOMETHING IS

MISSING

HE LEFT

WITHOUT

WASHING

HIS HANDS

OH

MY

WHAT

NO

The guy works with food! Or cleaning things up, but either way, that's SICK. One of those signs hangs above the sink, but he didn't see it because he didn't USE the SINK. DOOD. REALLY. AH.

I am revolted and no longer trust the food there (okay, let's be honest, I didn't really trust it before, so I guess I just trust it even less now?). Argh. Seriously. Someone needs fired. Didn't get a name though. Because, fun fact: asking for names in bathrooms is not a good idea.

Fish Story

Well, I'm not sure how this happened, but I was going into some bisexual dorm (guys on bottom, girls on top... the floors I mean... separated for sexual fidelity) and watched something with someone, then went to the bottom floor for a toilet. Imagine my surprise when I went in the bathroom, opened the lid, and saw


A FISH.


Yes. A fish. There was a fish in the toilet. Dead. In the toilet. Fish. The.


Why? I have no freakin' idea, but it was kinda weird.


So I promptly urinated on the fish, chuckled, flushed, washed my hands, touched my face lovingly, and went on my merry way, wondering who put a dead fish in the toilet without flushing and why.


Also, what kind of fish was it? I took a picture but I think it didn't save because I don't have it, and my phone just shut off and turned on all by itself, which is pretty impressive, but is still dumb because I didn't even do anything to it. But it was a pretty fish, really small, orange or something.


Moral of the story: if you're going to kill a fish, at least have the decency to flush it. I mean, really.

I bet you won't read this.

If, by some odd chance, you are reading this, please deposit twenty-five dollars or your call will be interrupted, your car stolen, and your face exploded. 


You have ten seconds to comply. 


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You have failed to comply. Prepare to be robbed, carjacked, and blown up in the next forty-eight hours. 


If you have not been robbed, carjacked, and/or blown up after forty-eight hours, please contact the system administrator for further advice. 


Thank you, and have a horrible day. 


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