Monday, March 22, 2010

The faults of iPrism.

St. Bernard's iPrism (I think he's the patron saint of internet filters) is an internet filter that filters the internet (no way right?). It filters out tons of stuff, mostly porn and bootlegging stuff (everything worth looking at, to be honest, heyoooo).


BUT


It doesn't account for some things.


For instance, what if someone is sexually attracted to animals? Google image search PANDA and you're all set.


Or pictures of feet, bald scalps, or old women, if you have a fetish (or, you can just turn safe search off and look up boobs).


Moral of the story: nothing is foolproof. Except the American government.

Sunday, March 21, 2010

Sinuses!

Mine are infected.


AWESOME.


No, really, it's awesome. The pressure, the snot, the coughing, the explosion of nasal death. It's great.


AND I get drugs. One pill every four hours, one every six, two in the morning, and two at night. So, if I never slept, that's fourteen pills a day. Plus my anxiety medicine, so fifteen.


Cool, right? Lemme tell you, the real miracle will be if I don't get better. It's like... taking a two-week X-ray to nuke my sinuses. Which... actually.....


Not a bad idea...


Moral of the story: X-rays are dangerous...? Sure.

Thursday, March 18, 2010

Shaving tips

1. Use shaving cream. Without it, shaving kind of hurts, especially if the hair is long.


2. Use hot water. More comfortable that way. Cuts the hair easier.


3. Don't shave women. Personally I'd love someone to shave me, but they do not.

Sunday, March 14, 2010

I have a jacuzzi!

It's true! See here:





Yeah! Woooo! Let's zoom out and see the whole thing!



Awesome!

So apparently Jacuzzi is a company, not a hot-tubbish thing, although they do make those.

I did not know that.

Saturday, March 13, 2010

Life Lessons with Mainerd--Fiber



Hello, everybody! It's time for

LIFE LESSONS,
WITH MAINERD

Fan-freakin-tastic, right? You get to learn from me! And by "me" I mean "my failures." Well, I suppose the two are synonymous, so sure, use whichever.

The lesson today is a warning against fiber.

Yes.

Fiber.

Don't ever ever eat fiber bars unless you're constipated, or they'll turn you into a crap factory working at full capacity. It doesn't make you regular unless you're irregular. If you're already regular, it just makes you poop more. Which is bad, because they tasted good so I had like, two of them.

Bad idea.

Had a five-flusher. Still feel sick. Lots of toilet paper, lots of Febreze, lots of water from flushing, lots of time, lots of AWFUL.

So now my butt hurts.

Oh, don't quote that out of context. Please? Grow up.

Thursday, March 11, 2010

LIFE IS GOOD

So, for a while, I was pretty bummed that Mac didn't have anything like MS Paint (aka one of the coolest things Microsoft had on their PCs). After a Google search, I FOUND ONE.

It's called Paintbrush.

It rocks.

Not as good as MS Paint, and not as familiar, but it still does just about everything it needs to do.

Why is this newsworthy?

I CAN START MAKING WEBCOMICS NOW!

When my life is good, your life is a little bit worse. Haha. Screw you.

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

Another reason to hate people

Went to see Shutter Island a couple days ago (GREAT freakin' movie, by the way--one of the best thrillers I've seen in quite a while), and was sure it wasn't going to be the most pleasant experience in the world, as it was fairly full and would probably be noisy, with that annoying guy who sits behind you with the nachos wrinkling the bag the entire show. Man, I hate that guy.


Well, it was okay for a while, and I was getting engrossed in the film, when out of nowhere, I hear a kid crying. Thinking it was in the movie, I thought "What? No. Impossible. Waaaaaaiiiit...." So I got all disenchanted and looked down near the front and saw this MASSIVE woman with a baby. Ah. Yes. Of course. The dimwit who brings a child into a rated R horror film. Infinitely worse than the nacho guy. Who takes a kid to a movie like that? Honestly.


There's going to be a watering-down of intelligence more massive than that woman. If parents keep treating their kids with that kind of carelessness, how will those kids treat their own kids (assuming they ever land a spouse or anyone stupid enough to stay near them for more than eight seconds to copulate)? And it just gets worse and worse with their own crappy parents as examples.


So anyway, the kid's crying for like, ten minutes. People are getting mad and start leaving the theatre and coming back, probably talking to the manager. I assume that it'll be dealt with but nooooooo, the manager's probably doing his job (you know, the other job that's not his job by dealing with disruptive patrons) and the woman's kid keeps crying, so, being the wonderful fellow htat I am, I go down and tell her that if she doesn't take her kid out or keep it quiet, I'd go get someone to ask her to leave. So she gets all angry, calls me an asshole and a few other nice names, makes a scene as big as her spare chin, then leaves.


Finally. I can enjoy the movie.


NO.


She comes back in with the kid still crying for a few minutes, then leaves again (inexplicably). Then, one of the ushers comes in and asks me to come out with her. Then I learn that the fat woman said I called her a bitch and told her to leave. I just smiled, then shook my head. The fat woman then asked why she was so hot (I assume she meant angry, she was nowhere near remotely attractive--whoever gave her that kid must've been drunk out of his mind) and I shrugged. She starts ranting about how she's going to leave and he she DOESN'T EVEN LIVE HERE and LIVES THREE HOURS AWAY. So the manager, not very happy with me, obviously not believing me (I do look a bit shady, never speaking a word), tells me to go back in.


The rest of the movie was fairly quiet, even though I missed something probably important.


Moral of the story: if you're going to an R-rated movie, especially a horror movie, leave the kid at home and get a sitter, or don't go at all. Come on. You'll traumatize the kid. Sheesh.

Sunday, March 7, 2010

Arrrgh, me eyes.

They hurt. My eyes? Yes. My eyes. Why? They're burning from too much video games. Fallout 3 and Mass Effect 2 and Borderlands mmmmmmmmmmmmmm so good.


Oh yeah, eyes burning. That's stupid. Eyes shouldn't hurt. Or at least their hurting is not socially acceptable. Whenever I say my eyes hurt, I get weird looks. A friend just told me that it's probably because I don't wear pants, but I'm sure it's not that. Pants are stupid but I'm reasonably sure that has nothing to do with this.

Friday, March 5, 2010

Bathroom Fail


Is it just me or is that worst toilet placement imaginable? That was the only sitting toilet in the bathroom, and for some reason, the stall was put right beside it. So if someone's taking a one there, and you gotta take a two, you'd have to drop your pants in front of that guy. Or what if a guy's already sitting down and you just walk right in on him. Talk about wrong. Real wrong.

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

Great New Product!


If I ever make a line of biscuits, it's definitely going to be like this. Sure it won't sell well, but, I mean, c'mon. Isn't that goat adorable? Look at him. He's wearing a hat.

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

Haiti's earthquake is better than Chile's

Chile recently had an 8.8 earthquake (story here). As of now, Google shows the death toll at 723, but since the linked story showed just 300+, that number is sure to rise.


Haiti's earthquake was only a 7.0, and according to Fox, Haiti's official death toll is at 230,000 (doesn't really say if that's just from the earthquake, or from all the aftershocks, lack of medicine, and pervasive poverty, and since Chile's earthquake is much more recent, the comparison may be unfair or skewed, but it's safe to say Chile's isn't going to hit half that high).


The Richter Scale shows that a 7.0-7.9 is a major earthquake that has serious damage over a hundred or so miles. These happen once or more per month. An 8.0-8.9 is a greater earthquake that makes serious damage over several hundred miles. An earthquake this big only happens about once a year. That might not seem impressive, but when you see how many happen per month, that's pretty rare (with concern to percentage). Haiti's earthquake was barely major, while Chile's was almost massive, yet Haiti's got extensive press coverage and Chile's has hardly been mentioned (I know I said it was pretty recent, but it only took a few minutes for Haiti to get plastered everywhere, and it's been a day or so since Chile's).


Now, I'm not trying to trivialize what happened to Haiti, because it's indisputably more devastating than Chile's. They were already in awful shape, then the earthquake made it worse. But that doesn't make what happened in Chile any less of a tragedy. The earthquake was bigger, they're still going through aftershocks (from what I saw, they were in the 5s), and the bigger the original, the nastier the aftershocks.


An earthquake sucks. Always. Just because one is bigger than the other or kills more than another doesn't make it any less terrible. A tragedy is a tragedy, no matter the size. So it really pisses me off that people made such a big deal about Haiti, but don't seem to give a rat's face about Chile. Yeah, the people in Haiti are poorer and worse off, but a rich person in an earthquake and a poor person in an earthquake suffer equally, so I don't see why that matters.

Monday, March 1, 2010

This ought to help you break the ice

Don't.

That's right, don't.

Don't break the ice.

Just... don't.

Why do people say you need to break the ice in conversations?


Why would you want to break the ice? You'll drown in the freezing water. Who wants that? Honestly. I don't understand people.

Moral of the story: trying to ease tension in conversation will kill you.

Would I lie to you?
Of course not.

Well maybe.

Messed up

Okay, I just got an e-mail from some online dating service called "Singles Over 50."


Really?


What... I mean... honestly?


Why?


The picture of the girl on it was kinda hot, so I'm sure she was like, mid-30s at most. This is just all kinds of wrong.


Over 50?! Who do you think I am, internet? I'm barely 19!