Happy Birthday, Angel!

:D


My baby girl is twelve years old. She's such a big girl, and by big I mean old and by girl I mean hardly-lady-like hairy beast.

Isn't she so pretty? She's the greatest dog in the world, and I don't say that just because she'd be upset if I didn't. 'Cause she can't read. And you could swear at her but if you say it kindly, she'll love you.

But her age is showing. It's hard for her to stand up or go up and down stairs. Her poor old legs suck. And so does her depth perception. But she always makes it through because she's the best gurl evar.

Well, Angie girl, most precious little baby in the universe, here's to a few more birthdays. I love you dearly, even though you can't read any of this, and you are a mooch who steals food, and you bit me.

Oh did I mention that? Yeah, she bit me once. In the ear. Still have a scar. She was licking it and got carried away or something, when she was a puppy, but still. She bit me! But she's still precious.

Wait, that's totally not my dog. Guess I'm out of pictures.

Happy birthday, Angel! My beautiful liddle gurl, yes you are, oh yes you are, muh baybeee, rrrrrghghghdhaighd love you purdyful aynjuuuuuhlllllllll.

Beautiful PhotoShop creation

I call it....


The Butterhorse

Isn't he beautiful? Or she. Can't, um... can't tell.

I don't know if I can ever top this one. Go ahead and soak it its glory for a few minutes, or hours. I know I will.

Worst commercial ever

I was about to leave it "Worst life insurance commercial ever," but I think this beats all bad commercials.


I can't remember who it was, so I can't find it on YouTube (it might've been Liberty, but I still couldn't find it), but I remember basically how it went.


It starts off with two middle-aged women who look like they were slipped a fifty and told to recite some lines for a camera. There are some brief introductions (hello, good morning wtf ever [why is goodnight one word and good morning two?]) and then the following conversation, probably abridged, ensues:


Lady 1: My mother passed away.
Lady 2: Oh! I'm so sorry! *insincere frown that looks nonchalantly conversational*
Lady 1: Oh, it's okay, I got this in the mail! It's something I've been waiting for.
Lady 2: What is it?
Lady 1: My mother's life insurance! It'll help cover the cost of her funeral. *this lets you know she's hardly been dead... so what, the lady's not even grieving?*
*cue inspirational music and cuts away to some generically creepy narrator talking about how for only 35 cents a day you can get blah blah but only if you're 40-80 years old, since apparently people over 80 don't need life insurance*


Whaaaaaaat? Here's the abridged version:


Lady 1: My mom died.
Lady 2: Oh, I'm so sorry! *still insincere look*
Lady 1: Who cares? I got her life insurance check! Wooooo!
Lady 2: Um...




What an awful, awful commercial.


Moral of the story: if you're going to write a commercial, make sure you're not braindead or twelve or a committer of matricidal life insurance fraud.

Why you should shut up and press 1 for English

I'm sure, if you've spent any time at all on the internet, you've seen the following message on a picture, bumper sticker, status update, etc.:
This is America, why the hell should I have to press 1 for English?


Well, to all those racist, xenophobic, supremacist douchebags, I'm going to tell you why the hell you should have to press 1 for English and why you should shut up and stick your hand in an electric socket for expressing typical unamerican behavior that proves and explains why everyone else in the world hates us. Yes, it's your fault.


1. You're assuming that English is the primary language.
Which it technically isn't, and will soon share that spot with Spanish with all the immigrants (legal or otherwise) coming up. According to Wiki, the national language is English (de facto).


De facto is a Latin expression that means "by [the] fact". In law, it is meant to mean "in practice but not necessarily ordained by law" or "in practice or actuality, but without being officially established".


See? There you go. You're just whining and upset that you have to press an extra button. Get over it. Also according to Wiki, the federal government does NOT recognize an official language. If the freakin' government (at the federal level) doesn't even give us an official language, there isn't one. We just assume it's English because the majority of the population speaks it.


2. You're an ignorant, intolerant racist.
By complaining all over cyberspace that you hate having to press 1 for English, you're proving yourself to be an ethnocentric pansy and a racist. You're saying that since WE IN AMURICUH, English should be the only language spoken ever, ergo anyone who doesn't know English for whatever reason is inferior and not worthy of living here. That's right. If you can't speak English, you don't belong here and you don't deserve to have freedom and enjoy life. Period.


Now, c'mon, people, you can't be that stupid. This is a new low. Or an old low, really, since it's been around for a while. But anyway...


Spanish-speaking people are people too. They've been around for longer than you have, as Spanish is an older language than English. Also, if you bothered to read part of that page, you would've seen that it's one of the six official languages in the UN. Six. Only six. Out of all the thousands of languages spoken around the world, only six are official in the United Nations. That's gotta count for something, right?

Oh, and fun fact:

There are more Spanish speakers in the U.S. than there are speakers of Chinese, French, Hawaiian, and the Native American languages combined. According to the 2007 American Community Survey conducted by the United States Census Bureau, Spanish is the primary language spoken at home by over 34 million people aged 5 or older. There are 45 million Hispanics who speak Spanish as a first or second language and there are 6 million Spanish students, making it the world's second-largest Spanish-speaking community, only after Mexico and ahead of Spain, Colombia and Argentina.

Yet you still think they should just learn English or GTFO? Pressing 1 for English is starting to be pretty reasonable about now.

3. You're an unamerican bigot who has seemingly forgotten what America is.
America has always taken in and taken care of immigrants of every nationality since the beginning. Keep in mind that English-speakers are actually immigrants here, after we figuratively (and literally, actually) screwed the Native Americans and destroyed their lives, families, and pretty much everything they owned. Remember that? Yeah, good times.


America is a country of immigrants. We were founded on the idea that we could escape persecution and come to a place where we can make our dreams come true. That's the American spirit. Not angrily spamming the internet with crap about how people shouldn't be allowed to speak Spanish (or that Spanish-speaking people shouldn't be allowed to use phones--both are equally ridiculous).


Spanish people exist. They have just as much right as you do to live here and enjoy their freedoms and worship whoever or whatever (cocaine!) they want, and speak whatever language they want, just like you. If you don't like that, then why are you even here? That's what America stands for and you're ruining it for everyone else. It's not Spanish-speakers that don't belong here, it's arrogant bigots like you who don't. If you can't get along, quit complaining about how everyone else should leave or shut up and take your own advice: leave or shut up.


4. You're lazy.
It's a button. A button. ONE BUTTON.


It's not the end of the world. It'll take up less than two seconds of your life. You press 1 and everything goes on like it normally should. Are you really too lazy to press one friggin button? You'll undoubtedly spend more time complaining about how you don't want to press a button than you actually do pressing said button (and you'll actually be doing both, so you're losing a lot more time). Save yourself the effort and just press the button and shut your face fingers (wait, that still doesn't make sense, never mind, just... just stop).


What happened to the America with dedicated hard workers drudging day in and day out just trying to make a living to support themselves and their families? What happened to the America that was thankful for just enough money to get by, and would've been more than content to eat stale bacon and cornbread for weeks at a time just so they could live and be happy with their families?


That America is lost and gone forever, and that's sad, it really is. It sucks. It's been replaced with a bunch of half-wit bums who have nothing better to do than to whine to everyone who will listen (and even to everyone who won't) that they don't like pressing buttons to accommodate their neighbors' language. You're pathetic. You make me sick. The moral and ethical decay of America is largely due to spoiled, selfish crotch-stains like you. I mean it.


So why should you have to press 1 for English? Because it's not the only language spoken here, and your Spanish-speaking brothers and sisters need to be able to utilize phone services just as much as you do. Because it's not that big of a deal for you to take a couple extra seconds to press a button so that people who can't speak English can save possibly hours going around to find someone who can get them what they need. And most importantly, it shows what America is all about--it shows that we can get along with others and love and accept them even though we don't (or can't) completely understand them.


So do yourself and the entire country a favor: shut up and press 1 for English.

Facebook thinks I'm bestial.

Yeah, maybe I'm taking that a bit out of context, but I do think that Facebook is under the probably misguided conception that I'm into sodomizing horses.


First they think I'm gay, now they think I'm Daniel Radcliffe's partner in crime.


Which brings up an interesting question... is having sex with horses illegal? I mean... just wondering. I'm not into that. Not really, I mean.


Y'see, the thing about Facebook is they stalk you (on the internet, you don't stalk Facebook, Facebook stalks you!) by looking at, I suppose, even your chat history. Chat was the only place I said anything about horses and photoshopping butterfly wings on them with pancakes. Never mind why.


But now I'm getting all these ads about horses, horse riding, horse buying, horse looking, horse shoes, horse mythology, horse-themed toilet seats, etc. It's crazy. Horses are cool and all, but what?


Sheesh. Put it together, Facebook. And grow up. C'mon.


Moral of the story: there is so much immorality here... I just... I can't, I can't do it.

My phone is evil

I might've mentioned this before, but I really don't feel like doing anything, so I'm just going to say you have no idea. This is all new. All of it.

My phone hates me. It tries to ruin my social life with indecent inappropriateness. Now, I don't mean that it takes and sends naked pictures of me to all the fine ladies, because that would be doing them a favor. That would be very appropriate and decent.

The word function is just all wacked outta wack. So, here's a list and some examples as to why my phone is damning me to the life of a social outcast, pervert, and single lonely man who needs some luv.

First will be the intended word, then the word that my phone uses.

comes==boner

Now, I know neither are really appropriate, but at least one is ambiguous. Boner is always bad. Always.

Example: "I hope he boner over to my house! I can't wait until my best friend boner."

Apart from not making any grammatical sense, it makes it seem as if my best guy friend is coming over for some sweaty man love in the posterior. Not exactly the impression you want to leave on people you're texting (although I'd much rather be accused of sodomy than bad grammar, just sayin').


movies==mother


Imagine how many terrible and unintentional yo mama jokes could be pulled with this one. And it can sound just plain wrong.


Examples: "Hey, I'm gonna watch some mother, wanna join?"
                  "Bring some of your mother with you, doesn't matter what kind. Erotic mother, scary mother, action mother, romance mother, funny mother..."


Creepy. Who wants to sit down and watch your hot, hot mother? I bet you like your mother with lots of nudity. Someone's got an Oedipus complex going on. Pervert.

came==bamf

Not nearly as inappropriate, but imagine someone thinking that I'm using such awful language (a naughty donkey with a sexual attraction to its mother... gross?). Either that or Nightcrawler just teleported into my phone.

Actually, wouldn't that be awesome?

Example: "I just bamf home."

                  "What? You bad*** mother****ered home? What are you talking about?"

                  "Oh, sorry! Meant came. I just came. Home. Came home."

                  "I'm never talking to you again and I hope you die."

                  "Would it be cooler if I meant I teleported home?"

                  *Message blocked at destination, police notified.

Yeah, try explaining that one to someone. No, actually, don't.

part==saru

The one time I tried to spell "Saruman," the word "part" was destroyed and lost forever in the black oblivion that is the unused and misspelled and pushed aside words in my phone (until I hit the 0 key). Apparently my phone thinks that every time I talk about a portion of a whole, what I really mean is Christopher Lee with really long hair, magic, and ugly manservants that he grows in his backyard. An easy misunderstanding, of course.

Example: "I saw the movie, but I don't remember that saru."

                  "Is that Japanese? You know Japanese! That's so sexy, I want you."

Woah, that one might be okay... provided I'm talking to a she. Actually, scratch this off the list, this is awesome.

can.==2am.

I don't know how this happened, because "can" boner comes out as "can," but when there's a period at the end, it boner comes out as 2am. I have no explanation for this. Not even a stupid theory. WHAT HAPPENED?!

Examples: "I'd like to come over, but I don't know if I 2am."

                    "My grandpa just kicked the 2am."

Imagine my admirers in complete confusion as they don't know what I'm talking about. I don't even know what I'm talking about.


remember==73636237


I have no explanation for this. Maybe I typed in a bunch of random numbers my phone thought was a word. Either way, it won't go away and it's really weird.


plan==skan


Skan? W-what? Wait, what's a skan? I have no memory of every using that word. It does mean something, but I have never heard of any of that stuff before. Nor will I ever again after posting this. Maybe it happened when I tried to teach my phone to say "skank." Huh. Yeah, that's probably it.

OTHER WEIRD WORDS

jfku

I don't know what this one means, but it looks like John F. Kennedy is being used as an insult.

Example: "Go JFK yourself."

                  "wtjfk dude"

jjjklllllllomolomknol

This is not a word. It's not even on Google. What if I accidently used that? I would look like a fool.

y2k

Is this real? Is a decade-old myth really necessary to program into a phone? The answer is no, but apparently the fellows at Samsung thought it was.

Well, there are more, but I can't remember them. If I do, I'll make a part two.

Moral of the story: SkyNet becoming self-aware is closer than you might think. Sure, it starts out with a phone sending unintentional sex jokes, but pretty soon, BAM, terminated.

Pigeons

Hmm.

You know what sucks?


Not sleeping.


Also acceptable would be politics and your mother's hairstyle in the 70s.


But really, not sleeping sucks. And I can't sleep. Just can't. Want to, need to, can't to. But good news: mom's coming home!


WHAT?


I know what you're thinking. You're thinking, "But Mainerd, you hate your mother! Why is her homecoming good news?"


And I would say, "No, douchehorse, I hate you, and her homecoming is good because she and I are going to rent a lot of classic movies that I haven't seen. Y'know, good stuff like the one where Anthony Hopkins eats people and that one girl lights stuf on fire. It'll be fun."


And you would say, "Dude, did you really just call me a douchehorse?"


And I would say, "Moral of the story: if you're prescribed meds, TAKE THEM, otherwise you'll get insomnia from withdrawals."




(then you'd roll your eyes and walk away)