Cool Cats

Thanksgiving Break put me behind, so sorry (not really) for the multiple posts today.

I think at some point I mentioned some cats in my life, and here's the place to talk about them.

Roof Cat

That's Roof Cat. Adorable, isn't he? Roofie came around sometime this year, several months ago, and got his name because he would climb out of the window of the house two places down and just sit on my neighbor's roof. He was the only cat I've ever met that was really nice, and he was very playful and affectionate. As you can see, he is on my lap. He would even lie down there and fall asleep sometimes. He was cool. Strike that, Roofie was freakin' awesome. Worthy of the just-now-made-up Best Cat Ever Award.

Now, unfortunately, Roofie ran away sometime a month or so ago. His parents were douchebags, so I can't really blame him, but still, it sucks. Cats hate me, and I hate cats, but Roofie showed me that his entire species cannot be condemned because of a few bad cats, because he kicked butt. Well... figuratively, that is. Although he did have this really awkward habit of hiking his leg up to his ear and licking his nuts. He's a nice cat, so I'm sure someone took him in, so he's probably safe and better off than with the jerks he was with before.

Fat Cat

Ah, Fat Cat. Son of the Devil that thing was. My neighbor, Dave (the one whose roof dear Roofie so loved to frequent), took in a lot of strays and gave them homes, and Fatso was one of them. There's no picture (no one has been able to photograph the fiend), but here's an artists rendition of him:

I don't have a picture of him for one reason: the thing never let anyone close to him! Except Dave. Then it was really creepy because he looked almost happy-like. His face was in a perpetual scowl of evil madness, and it took my brother an hour or more of slowly sneaking up on him to gain enough trust to pet him for just a few seconds. Normally, if you got too close (like twenty feet), he would bolt in the opposite direction and you wouldn't see him again while you were out there. He was mean and evil, and I tried to be nice but nooooooo he had to be a jerk about it.


Since I've got a separate post about Spam Cat (I'm not real original with naming cats...), that'll be all.


Moral of the story: the actions of a few evil cats do no warrant the condemnation of them all. Same goes with *insert ethnic group here*.

Thanksgiving

Topical holiday blog, you knew it was coming.


Secret's out now: I hate holidays. All of them, most of the time. But, as this aptly named holiday suggests, now is not the time for whining. I'll save my Scroogery for Christmas. Maybe Valentine's Day. Man I hate V-Day (sounds like D-Day, which, if you didn't know, kinda sucked).


I know a lot of these posts have been complaints (actually, probably most of them), but, truth be told, that's just venting negativity. It's nice to get that kind of crap off my chest (Who made that phrase anyway? Venting has nothing to do with bosoms. I don't even have bosoms.), but it's also nice to think about things positively. So here I am, doing just that.


First off, thanks for all of you guys, my devoted, loyal, wonderful (or not) followers. Without you, I'd really have little reason to keep updating this thing. So thanks for hearing/reading me out.


But mainly, I'm thankful for oxygen. Without oxygen, I wouldn't be posting this either. Sarcasm aside, here's a charming lil list for you of what I've got to non-complain about:


Friends
Family
360 (O how I love thee)
This laptop
PhotoShop
My dog
Spam Cat
Spam packages
Spam mail (gives me something to do--deleting is hard work)


And there's more, but this is feeling too mushy and happy. Can't have that, can we? Happy Thanksgiving, everyone, enjoy your food, but don't forget why we're celebrating this. We humans have a nasty tendency to bypass the real meaning of holidays for materialistic things, especially food. Enjoy the food, be thankful for it, but try not to see today as another reason to stuff your fat face.


Moral of the story: you guys rock, don't forget that. And don't hurt me for using the phrase "fat face," that would be rude.


I'm going to Hell for this, aren't I?

Life Lessons with Mainerd

Hello, everybody! It's time for

LIFE LESSONS,

WITH MAINERD

Isn't that grand? You get to learn from me! And by "me" I mean "my failures." Well, I suppose the two are synonymous, so sure, use whichever.


If there's one thing I've learned in life, it's that the phrase "If there's one thing I..." is the most stupid thing ever. If there were only one thing you learned/did/etc., you wouldn't really capable of communicating it. But anyway, one of the things I've learned is that nothing goes right. Nothing. At all. Whenever I think about doing something, I wrack my mind for days (or even weeks) thinking of every single thing that could possibly go wrong, and how to correct it. Every time, something goes wrong, I can't correct it. So, next time, I think more. More failure. Thought, failure, thought, failure. You'd think I'd have learned, but what else am I going to do?


Every time something goes on, I spend forever thinking about it, then fall on my face. Slowly, I'm starting to just give up. I'm tired of failing, and I'm tired of getting all worked up for nothing. It's like masturbation without the payoff. A crude analogy, but fitting.


Dunno what to do. But hey, I'll look on the bright side: once I'm dead, this won't matter!

Spam Cat

So, I fed a cat today. It was a stray. It was hungry. It was cold as balls outside, and I was in shorts, no socks (but I was still wearing shoes....), no jacket.


Okay, now normally I hate cats. There've been two cats I've ever liked: one is Roof Cat (that's another story someday) and the other's this stray. It was very affectionate (almost annoyingly so), and didn't hate me (most cats do for some reason, like Fat Cat, yet another story) so it was cool. Might've been a she, I didn't really feel like looking at its genitals. You never know with those cats, they're so tricky.


I fed it Spam, which is disgusting, but Stray Cat ate it up and tried to eat the package too. It was one of these things:

Crazy Tasty Town... who eats this crap?! Besides the cat, that doesn't count. Poor thing was starving. I had the Spam because my sisters thought the label was funny (it is, admittedly, hilarious) and I've had it for almost a year, and planned on keeping it for a while, but the cat was starving. Then it made me sad because it was meowing really loud when I went back inside and couldn't take it with me, so it's out there sad and alone. Oh well.

Moral of the story: if someone ever gives you Spam, don't throw it away; you never know when you'll need it.

Emotional musings of a lonely goat

Isn't is strange how we (or at least I) have that annoying desire for the unattainable? Not like, "Hey, no one thinks I can do this, I'll prove them wrong!" Just a natural sort of magnetism to disaster.


I think part of my problem (other than self-professing myself to be a horned farm animal, then passing it off as a parenthetical joke) is that I have high standards for everyone, but have low standards for myself. I expect too much from people, but act as if nothing's expected of me. I don't know what they want or expect, and let's be honest, that's not the least awkward thing you can say to a girl. "Hey, babe, what do you want with me?""Either a restraining order or a pair of shears will do."


I just got no skills with the ladies, I guess. Good thing I had a father who talked to me about this kind of stuff, so that later in life, I'd be prepared. Oh wait, I totally didn't. But I don't care. It's much more fun stumbling around in the dark, lost and confused while everyone else around you is living and loving happily. Isn't life grand?


Moral of the story: it's better to give than to receive. Not sure what that has to do with all this crap, but it's pretty good advice.


Clever sign-off.

WASTING TIME

M'kay, so I've got a two-thousand-word essay on affirmative action due this Monday, so there won't be much to read (and by "much" I mean "anything"). Just so you know. I was going to talk on a video for a bit, then post it here, but by Zeus, I don't know how.


So, like... go read a book or something. Or maybe peruse the internet for other worthwhile (while=less) blogs by insightful (insight=spite) darlings.


Moral of the story: work, unfortunately, must come first.


See? I can still teach you something.


Stay cozy.