How unfortunate PART III

Woohoo! At the expense of my own well-being, I bring more fortunes that will all come true, trust me. This is a good batch, I tells ya. Especially the last one, which I stole from a friend just a couple hours ago. I think she's okay with it. She was just gonna throw it away anyhow. I saved it. You're welcome.




You'll be made happy by receipt of good news.
As opposed to being made sad by good news? Even for a fortune cookie, that one's pretty obvious.


The real secret of happiness is not what you give or what you receive; it's what you share!
What about herpes? Giving is bad, receiving is bad, but sharing is happy?
"I love you, honey."
"Babe, I just gave you herpes."
"Aw, how sweet of you! We're sharing!"


This is a good time to finish up old tasks.
No, two weeks ago was a good time to finish up old tasks. Why wait until now?


Soon you will be sitting on the top of the world.
This is either insinuating that the reader is going to become a global dictator or is an obvious observation that if you rotate the globe a certain way, anyone seems to be "on top of" the world. Either way... what?


Stick to things as they are, distrust novelties.
So never, ever change? That's right, I guess. Don't diet, quit bad habits, get married, improve job performance, graduate....


Do not be afraid of computers. Be afraid of the lack of them.
If SkyNet ever becomes self-aware, I'm blaming this. Computers have actually shot culture straight to hell at the price of speed and convenience. Lack of computers isn't necessarily something to be "afraid" of.


Moral of the story: you will live to realize that you are indeed alive.


Worship me, for I am Prophet.