Cool Cats

Thanksgiving Break put me behind, so sorry (not really) for the multiple posts today.

I think at some point I mentioned some cats in my life, and here's the place to talk about them.

Roof Cat

That's Roof Cat. Adorable, isn't he? Roofie came around sometime this year, several months ago, and got his name because he would climb out of the window of the house two places down and just sit on my neighbor's roof. He was the only cat I've ever met that was really nice, and he was very playful and affectionate. As you can see, he is on my lap. He would even lie down there and fall asleep sometimes. He was cool. Strike that, Roofie was freakin' awesome. Worthy of the just-now-made-up Best Cat Ever Award.

Now, unfortunately, Roofie ran away sometime a month or so ago. His parents were douchebags, so I can't really blame him, but still, it sucks. Cats hate me, and I hate cats, but Roofie showed me that his entire species cannot be condemned because of a few bad cats, because he kicked butt. Well... figuratively, that is. Although he did have this really awkward habit of hiking his leg up to his ear and licking his nuts. He's a nice cat, so I'm sure someone took him in, so he's probably safe and better off than with the jerks he was with before.

Fat Cat

Ah, Fat Cat. Son of the Devil that thing was. My neighbor, Dave (the one whose roof dear Roofie so loved to frequent), took in a lot of strays and gave them homes, and Fatso was one of them. There's no picture (no one has been able to photograph the fiend), but here's an artists rendition of him:

I don't have a picture of him for one reason: the thing never let anyone close to him! Except Dave. Then it was really creepy because he looked almost happy-like. His face was in a perpetual scowl of evil madness, and it took my brother an hour or more of slowly sneaking up on him to gain enough trust to pet him for just a few seconds. Normally, if you got too close (like twenty feet), he would bolt in the opposite direction and you wouldn't see him again while you were out there. He was mean and evil, and I tried to be nice but nooooooo he had to be a jerk about it.


Since I've got a separate post about Spam Cat (I'm not real original with naming cats...), that'll be all.


Moral of the story: the actions of a few evil cats do no warrant the condemnation of them all. Same goes with *insert ethnic group here*.

Thanksgiving

Topical holiday blog, you knew it was coming.


Secret's out now: I hate holidays. All of them, most of the time. But, as this aptly named holiday suggests, now is not the time for whining. I'll save my Scroogery for Christmas. Maybe Valentine's Day. Man I hate V-Day (sounds like D-Day, which, if you didn't know, kinda sucked).


I know a lot of these posts have been complaints (actually, probably most of them), but, truth be told, that's just venting negativity. It's nice to get that kind of crap off my chest (Who made that phrase anyway? Venting has nothing to do with bosoms. I don't even have bosoms.), but it's also nice to think about things positively. So here I am, doing just that.


First off, thanks for all of you guys, my devoted, loyal, wonderful (or not) followers. Without you, I'd really have little reason to keep updating this thing. So thanks for hearing/reading me out.


But mainly, I'm thankful for oxygen. Without oxygen, I wouldn't be posting this either. Sarcasm aside, here's a charming lil list for you of what I've got to non-complain about:


Friends
Family
360 (O how I love thee)
This laptop
PhotoShop
My dog
Spam Cat
Spam packages
Spam mail (gives me something to do--deleting is hard work)


And there's more, but this is feeling too mushy and happy. Can't have that, can we? Happy Thanksgiving, everyone, enjoy your food, but don't forget why we're celebrating this. We humans have a nasty tendency to bypass the real meaning of holidays for materialistic things, especially food. Enjoy the food, be thankful for it, but try not to see today as another reason to stuff your fat face.


Moral of the story: you guys rock, don't forget that. And don't hurt me for using the phrase "fat face," that would be rude.


I'm going to Hell for this, aren't I?

Life Lessons with Mainerd

Hello, everybody! It's time for

LIFE LESSONS,

WITH MAINERD

Isn't that grand? You get to learn from me! And by "me" I mean "my failures." Well, I suppose the two are synonymous, so sure, use whichever.


If there's one thing I've learned in life, it's that the phrase "If there's one thing I..." is the most stupid thing ever. If there were only one thing you learned/did/etc., you wouldn't really capable of communicating it. But anyway, one of the things I've learned is that nothing goes right. Nothing. At all. Whenever I think about doing something, I wrack my mind for days (or even weeks) thinking of every single thing that could possibly go wrong, and how to correct it. Every time, something goes wrong, I can't correct it. So, next time, I think more. More failure. Thought, failure, thought, failure. You'd think I'd have learned, but what else am I going to do?


Every time something goes on, I spend forever thinking about it, then fall on my face. Slowly, I'm starting to just give up. I'm tired of failing, and I'm tired of getting all worked up for nothing. It's like masturbation without the payoff. A crude analogy, but fitting.


Dunno what to do. But hey, I'll look on the bright side: once I'm dead, this won't matter!

Spam Cat

So, I fed a cat today. It was a stray. It was hungry. It was cold as balls outside, and I was in shorts, no socks (but I was still wearing shoes....), no jacket.


Okay, now normally I hate cats. There've been two cats I've ever liked: one is Roof Cat (that's another story someday) and the other's this stray. It was very affectionate (almost annoyingly so), and didn't hate me (most cats do for some reason, like Fat Cat, yet another story) so it was cool. Might've been a she, I didn't really feel like looking at its genitals. You never know with those cats, they're so tricky.


I fed it Spam, which is disgusting, but Stray Cat ate it up and tried to eat the package too. It was one of these things:

Crazy Tasty Town... who eats this crap?! Besides the cat, that doesn't count. Poor thing was starving. I had the Spam because my sisters thought the label was funny (it is, admittedly, hilarious) and I've had it for almost a year, and planned on keeping it for a while, but the cat was starving. Then it made me sad because it was meowing really loud when I went back inside and couldn't take it with me, so it's out there sad and alone. Oh well.

Moral of the story: if someone ever gives you Spam, don't throw it away; you never know when you'll need it.

Emotional musings of a lonely goat

Isn't is strange how we (or at least I) have that annoying desire for the unattainable? Not like, "Hey, no one thinks I can do this, I'll prove them wrong!" Just a natural sort of magnetism to disaster.


I think part of my problem (other than self-professing myself to be a horned farm animal, then passing it off as a parenthetical joke) is that I have high standards for everyone, but have low standards for myself. I expect too much from people, but act as if nothing's expected of me. I don't know what they want or expect, and let's be honest, that's not the least awkward thing you can say to a girl. "Hey, babe, what do you want with me?""Either a restraining order or a pair of shears will do."


I just got no skills with the ladies, I guess. Good thing I had a father who talked to me about this kind of stuff, so that later in life, I'd be prepared. Oh wait, I totally didn't. But I don't care. It's much more fun stumbling around in the dark, lost and confused while everyone else around you is living and loving happily. Isn't life grand?


Moral of the story: it's better to give than to receive. Not sure what that has to do with all this crap, but it's pretty good advice.


Clever sign-off.

WASTING TIME

M'kay, so I've got a two-thousand-word essay on affirmative action due this Monday, so there won't be much to read (and by "much" I mean "anything"). Just so you know. I was going to talk on a video for a bit, then post it here, but by Zeus, I don't know how.


So, like... go read a book or something. Or maybe peruse the internet for other worthwhile (while=less) blogs by insightful (insight=spite) darlings.


Moral of the story: work, unfortunately, must come first.


See? I can still teach you something.


Stay cozy.

I don't hate babies

Story: a few days ago, in the worst class in the world (World Literature taught by someone without a basic grasp of what the Engrish... er... English language is), someone said they hated it and I smiled. She asked why I was "smirking," and I said that sometimes, I laugh at things that shouldn't be laughed at and gave the example of kicking kittens (hilarious, right?). After being smacked, it was all blown out of proportion and she said I probably thought human trafficking and kicking infants was hilarious too.


So, to prove that horrifically ignorant and wrong statement wrong, I have taken a real photo of me with a baby, and we're both having a great time. See for yourself.

See? Look at how great that moment is. That kid'll cherish it forever. Oh, I know what you're thinking. That's just a bad PhotoShop!

Well, it's not! THIS is a bad PhotoShop:

The pathetic thing is, that took almost an hour to do. Go me.

Moral of the story: putting words in other people's mouths is as good of an idea as sticking your fingers in an angry rhino's ears.

Let's go shopping. Photoshopping.

Personalization will ruin advertising

I was thinking a while ago about this, and I wonder if it's actually feasible. Feedback would be great, if you agree or disagree. Just bouncing crap off the wall here (yes, you're a metaphorical wall and I'm going to throw feces at you).

With the advent of personalized products, create-your-own-whatever gimmicks, and other sorts of things like those that target very small demographics, I wonder if advertising will eventually become obsolete. If everyone can basically make their own product, there won't be any reason to advertise. Of course, there has to be some kind of a company behind the personalization, but if it becomes common enough, there won't be any point in advertising.

I don't know if this'll be a good thing or not, but if everyone is the boss of what they want, and everyone gets whatever they want (greedy pricks), people who run around saying, "Hey! Look at my product! It's super great!" will be looked upon as idiots. People will reply with, "That's not what I want at all, you should give me the ability to change it to my specific needs." But then, maybe they'd still need to advertise, I dunno. Just a thought.

Maybe we should find a way to brainwash everyone and both blatantly and subliminally find ways to make them feel like they need what we can offer instead of their own personal wants. Oh wait, we're already doing that.

Why are people stupid?

I'm starting to lose track of how many times I have girls talk to me, crying that their boyfriend's a douche and hurt them, so they break up, and they're all sad, and things move on. Then, a month later (sometimes sooner than that), they're whining about the same thing. Usually with the same person.


How much sense does that make? I don't get it. "Gee, Mark, I know you cheated on me, hurt me emotionally and physically, but you say you love me after each of the six times you went behind my back, so you must be telling the truth! You wanna go back out?" Someone explain how the hell this is supposed to make any sense? I'm getting sick of hearing about it, especially because they never seem to learn. Two year olds seem to have more mental capacity. When they touch a stove when it's on, it burns, and they never purposefully do it again. And they're TWO. And here we've got 17 and 18 year olds burning themselves on the same stoves over and over again.


I can't understand. Something tells me I don't want to, but I feel I need to. Bah. Special thanks to Mr. Dio for making such awesome music that makes me feel better.


Moral of the story: think with your head, not your heart, especially when your heart keeps running into brick walls. Every try thinking of a different approach? Honestly.


"I am anger
Under pressure
Locked in cages
A prisoner
The first to escape"

Tada!

I hope you'll all excuse my not-post for the past two days. The fifth was Guy Fawkes day after all, and I was celebrating.


Okay, so I wasn't. I just didn't have time. As for the sixth, well, that was just a few minutes ago, and someone decided to call at midnight, so I couldn't finish it in time. So, since I need to wake up early tomorrow, I figure I'll make it up with some haphazard attempt at humor by talking about Mountain Dew.


It's the best, okay? Without Mt. Dew, I think Pepsi would probably die. Mt. Dew is their crowning jewel. I've got a whole case of Voltage (the best Mt. Dew ever) and it's making me get all bothered and hot.


Oh! And as it's nearing the holiday season, Oreo's have released those awesome white chocolate covered Oreo's, which further increase the amount of pants things. And I just realized my fridge door has been open for the past hour.


Also, I am hereby immune to tetanus and hepatitis A and B.


Moral of the story: I heard you're supposed to post consistently in order to establish more of a following, so I'm following that advice.

Why swine flu is good for the economy

Think about it: the economy starts to go downhill, Obama jumps in the office, and before you know it, BAM! H1N1 virus. Coincidence? You decide.


With the advent of this "swine flu," more people will be visiting hospitals, getting vaccinations, taking medicine, etc. All of those things have one thing in common (apart from health-relation so okay I guess it's two things): they cost money. What stimulates the economy? Spending money. Fellatio is also stimulating, so we should really try to make that a part of the plan, too. It's worth a shot, right?


I got an e-mail today from my hall director that said if you got swine flu, you should basically quarantine yourself and not go to the dining commons, chapel, or social events. If that's not bad enough, he said that if you had to leave for the toilet or shower, you should wear a mask and disinfect everything you touch.


Are we real with this? It's a strain of the flu. People get sick with the flu all the time. Regular flu kills, too. Why is this strain so violently different that we're going through all this hype? If anything, it will help stir things up a little economically. Oh, and it's all Obama's fault, because everything bad that happens in America is directly because of something he did or didn't do.


Moral of the story: conspiracy theories, if anything, are great comedic material (which subsequently creates more jobs for comedians and satirists, further fellating the economy).


Get sick (trust me, it's not that bad).

More Possible Racism

One thing I always found annoyingly hilarious is how everything has to be politically correct in terms of discrimination. Like those pictures in school textbooks. They've got a group of people standing around, and there's always an equal amount of guys and girls (usually four people). Every single person is a different ethnicity. If that's not awkward and unrealistic enough, there's always a guy in a wheelchair, to encompany the handicapped and disabled as well! Yeah, because some kid in a wheelchair is really going to get upset and offended that the guy in his Math book wasn't crippled.


WHAT'S UP WITH THAT?! (did you say that in a dramatic stand-up voice? You should've)


I swear, my old Spanish book had less Mexicans/Spaniards than not. I just don't get it. We're becoming so sensitive about everything these days. Do people really get offended by stuff like this?


Serious question, I want your feedback.


Moral of the story: racism is awesome. Double-standards are better.

Affirmative Action is a load of crap

RACISM! I can hear it now. No, I'm not being racist. Affirmative Action is racist, not me.


For those of you who don't know or are unsure what the term means, it is "A policy or program providing advantages for people of a minority group who are seen to have traditionally been discriminated against, with the aim of creating a more egalitarian society through preferential access to education, employment, health care, social welfare, etc." (egalitarian means "a person who believes in the equality of all people." Don't you love it when dictionaries define words with other words you don't know?)


Ignoring all the fluff and governmental propaganda dripping from the definition, AA is basically a rule that says you have to have a certain amount of minorities employed at your business, whether it be an office, factory, school, or clean-up crew (of course not every single business has this--how many Arabs do you see serving at authentic Mexican restaurants?). For example, for every forty-four presidents, there must be at least one black.


Sure, this seems like a great idea. Getting past racial barriers, breaking down walls, joining together, color doesn't matter, all that. And all of those are wonderful things. There's just one problem:


What if the employee sucks?


What if they can't, don't, or won't do their job well? You can't fire them, because that's racism (because we all know you're either egalitarian or racist; there's no in between). You can't turn down their application and hire a white guy instead. That's discriminatory.
So go ahead and hire the Kenyan woman, who doesn't understand poetry or the intricacies of the English language, as an English teacher. Anything else is simply racist.


People who do the job well should get the job. If the only people who can work a factory just happen to be white, big deal. It's not like any of that matters anyway. Performance is all that should matter. But, of course, it's not.